11:37 p.m. - Friday, Aug. 21, 2020
Fucked off and sad
I’m just fucked off with this now. I want to see my family and friends but I can’t make any plans to visit the UK. The cases are soaring here in Spain and I’m getting anxious about how long this is going to go on for at this level. It’s starting to get to me a bit mentally. Waking up is weird and feels sort of pointless. I can understand why some really old people just want to die in their sleep. I do feel like an old granny stuck at home all day... It’s worse because I keep having intense dreams about my family and loved ones. I never used to dream about my family. Don’t know why... but now it’s the only time I see them. I don’t really enjoy video calls with them. There’s not much to say and we’re all fed up. I just really miss watching TV with them. Or just sitting reading the papers not saying anything. I’m crazy emotional today coz I’ve got my period but what set me off was seeing an Instagram post from a friend, or ex friend. I wanted to comment on it but I can’t. It just made me realise how heartbroken I was that we weren’t friends anymore. I knew her for 20 years and thought we were best friends but it turns out it was one sided and I don’t need friends like that. It was starting to affect my self esteem. Then I started thinking about the relationships I’d invested so much of myself into and got nothing back, even lost a lot. The married ex for example. I know I couldn’t expect anything and I didn’t want to break up his family but I really loved him, still do I spose and I suspect I really was just used and lost a lot of years to that. I still wish we could be together. It sucks when you think something is other than it is. I guess I’m naive or too hopeful. I thought people could change.
I’m always worrying if I’m a good person or not, how do I know? Maybe I deserve this loneliness. This stupid pandemic is driving me crazy with all this time alone and feeling like I am losing everyone. It’s like the emotional distance between me and the people I care about is expanding by the day. My previous life feels like a dream or previous chapters in a book I wrote. Everyone I knew, I need to go back to the UK and check they are still there, are they real? Am I still there?
Being alone is hard. I’m slipping into a horrible time wasting habit of constantly checking my phone, jumping between all my social media accounts and email. It’s the constant search for some interaction, attention or acknowledgement and deep down I know I’m looking for a miracle. Some day I’ll have a life changing message. Some old flame turning up. That’s not gonna happen and I’m not going to meet anyone soon. I’m a solitary person but not like this. I want to look after someone, but I’m so picky of course I’ll not put up with anyone. As well as jumping about on the internet my mind is doing the same with everyone I know. Who can I call? Who are my good friends? Who is available to talk? Not many. Most people are coupled off or have their own problems. Then I’m jumping around between my options. Am I better off here or in the UK near my friends and family? Or is the idea more appealing than the reality? I would probably feel lonelier in London as well as being colder and poorer. Everyone is hating it there now too... but without people you’re nothing. As Joe Strummer said... he would have been 62 today.
My best advice to myself is, when you don’t know what to do - do nothing. Things always work themselves out eventually. It’s so hard to fathom and work through emotional obstacles without an exterior life happening. When we’re heartbroken we keep ourselves busy to speed up time because time is a great healer but if everyday is the same without the opportunity to create new opportunities then what hope is there for improving one’s life? It’s like the music stopped and wherever you were at in life is where you’ll stay. I know it could be worse, I’m doing OK really and I’m really grateful for everything I have. I just want more. Lol.
I’ve been painting quite a bit luckily. I don’t love what I’m doing except for one large painting which was another crack at a smaller version. My mentor said I should repaint it but with less weight or something. It was almost too resolved before. I like it now but it’s not quite right. I can’t see how to fix it yet but I’ve hung it in the living room to get a good look at it from a distance and it looks pretty cool.
Sold a couple of lampshades (60% off, I’m a terrible businesswoman) to an old friend who was also an ex friend for many many years because of ex boyfriend issues but we’re friends again now. Can’t quite remember how but I know I initiated the reforming of the relationship. So maybe I will do the same with this other friend. Just not sure I should be giving myself to someone who doesn’t care... It’s just eating away at me because there was no argument, we just stopped contacting each other and it feels strange not to have closure, to let a long friendship drift away like that as if it’s nothing. It’s fucked up. We’ve ghosted each other for different reasons though. She’s ghosted me for the wrong reason and because of her self obsession and I’ve ghosted her because my suspicion of insincerity was confirmed.
I ordered a 2nd hand smart laser projector off Amazon today. It was priced up wrong I think, about £1000 less than it should be. I’m not counting my chickens until I get it though. They might not wanna sell it to me but the money has already come out of my account. If I do get it that’s the bargain of the century. I shouldn’t be buying anything now coz I owe three months rent and have no job or any income but I know I can sell it for a profit if I run out of cash.
Realised that I’ve been subscribed to a gold membership on Chess.com for three years. Costing me about £70. Fucks sake. I don’t even use it. I must have had a free trial I had forgotten about. It’s quite expensive. Gonna have to start playing chess now to get my money’s worth. Oh well it’s annoying but not that big a deal in the grand scheme of things. So check your bank statements for long forgotten subscriptions. That’s my advice for today.
Having the two guys over for dinner again tomorrow. Gonna get Mac to bring his tarot cards. Thank God I have a couple of friends nearby.
Goodnight folks!
Writing is the best therapy!
