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3:27 a.m. - Saturday, May. 02, 2020
Freedom and Daddy issues
It was my gran's funeral today. I lit a candle and had a bit of a cry alone here whilst my family cremated her in Eastbourne. It's not so much her death that's sad because, well - she was 96, people die, but her death made me sad in general just thinking about life and death and family and what's the point of all of this? No one will remember my family once we all pass, I won't have grandchildren, or children to write a condolence message for me. It doesn't matter though. I guess that's what's sad...

Then this evening I watched a YouTube video of a guy called Shiey who practices 'illegal freedom' by travelling across countries by freight train, wild camping and climbing very tall structures. I watched the one where he travels across Switzerland with two mates and the crazy shit they do in this crazy beautiful country is unbelievable. It's the most exciting thing to watch in lockdown. These guys have no fear whatsoever. You feel like you are there with them on this adventure. Sure Netflix will try and pick him up... Made me feel so boring, these guys are really really living. I need more adventure. Now is not the time to go travelling but it's making me re-evaluate what to do with my life in the future.
Boat living was another vid I watched but that is extreme and you need to be rich to own a boat.

I've been thinking about the problem I have with relationships too and realising that maybe I am a bit scarred and affected by my upbringing. I'm not acknowledging stuff that I should have dealt with years ago. I don't like to blame parents for my emotional baggage because they are only other people who didn't know what they were doing. They tried their best and they were affected by their upbringing so what can you do? They aren't bad parents but I now realise how emotionally distant they are. Especially my Dad. Explains why I'm only attracted to emotionally unavailable men especially married doting Dads. I just thought that was a normal human trait. Not sure what I can do about it but accept or try and change my entire psychology. Just read a good piece of advice about this...

I thought I just hadn't met the right man. Well, I still think that but maybe there is more I can do to attract a good one and be attracted to him too. It's probably not normal that I'm 42 and I've never had a healthy relationship. Convinced myself I was brilliant whilst at the same time not wishing myself on my worst enemy! I'm sure my family's opinion about me being fickle with men has convinced me I can't commit. This is a huge subject and I must return to it at a later date...

Lockdown is heavy on the self reflection hub?!



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