12:26 a.m. - Wednesday, Jan. 02, 2019
Happy New Year. Game Over
Well the first day of the year has just ended and has been quite bittersweet. Two fucks and a lesson learned.
I left my parents and took the train to London where I had a hotel booked and invited Daniel over. Met him in the pub and listened to him telling me about this girl he is seeing. They are taking it slowly apparently. She’s 24. Then we came to the apartment, quite a cozy little place near Kings Cross with a teeny kitchen and I cooked a pizza after we’d had sex. Great as usual. Then after the pizza more sex. Then he said he felt a bit anxious and tired after new year’s eve, so not to expect much from him and that he could go if I wasn’t enjoying his company. He said maybe it’s because he is seeing this girl and feels bad but said they weren’t committed yet or emotionally involved. So he wasn’t cheating on her. Though they have had sex. I could see where this was going. He was going cold on me. We watched a film and when it finished he said goodnight and gave me a quick kiss on the lips and rolled over. I went to hug him and he said he was tired. So I rolled off. Then he got his phone out and was reading something. I said “what are you doing? I thought you were tired?” Then he got up and said he had to go, went to the loo, retched a bit and got dressed. Said it was nothing to do with me and that he’d been feeling anxious all day. So I just let him go without protest except to say that obviously it was to do with me because he was leaving a perfectly comfortable bed at midnight. Which I happened to be in.
I knew it wasn’t going to be an affectionate evening and I had that bad feeling in my gut all day, I had been really anxious about our meeting too. I think I was expecting him to love me and leave me. So in a way now he’s gone I feel OK, almost relieved. It’s over now and it needed to be. It’s just sex and I need to move on. I need to move on from all these exes. He isn’t good enough for me, not by a long shot. I was letting myself down. This has just cemented it. He’s not right in the head and too young and dumb (whilst also being very smart academically). He’s not treated me right and I’ve been too blasé about it.
This year is going to be very intense and busy and I have to stop messing around. I don’t think I necessarily need to meet the one but I gotta get a clean slate on the emotional and relationship front. So it seems that by the close of day one of 2019 I’ve already slayed one issue. I didn’t even cry when he left. Ok I had slightly moistened eyes but no way am I going to let that narcissist get to me. Fucking prick. God damn it though I am going to miss his beauty. Ah well, plenty more sexy guys out there. Just have to believe it. I want someone I can have a laugh with who enjoys my company and Daniel was always so flipping flat with me. Happy New Year!
