8:12 p.m. - Saturday, Dec. 10, 2016
Still pining after all this time
I am so distressed. After a year of no contact I am still missing my ex married man. It's as if only a week has passed since we said goodbye. It has all come flooding back and I had tried to put him to the back of my mind and move on and live with the hope that we will be together one day. If I have to wait another 10 years then so be it. If I knew for sure that day would come I would be the happiest woman alive and live the next 10 years in the sunshine of my life. I don't know why it's hit me so hard at this time, perhaps because I am so unhappy and life just isn't progressing well. I am blighted by so much bad energy, as if the universe doesn't work when we are apart. The flow has been interrupted. I feel depleted, like a part of me is missing and I am just wandering around in this strange place trying to find it again. My chest feels hollow with sadness to imagine the rest of my life without him. I don't know how he feels, I suspect it's not easy for him and he misses me. I know he compartmentalises things so he just gets on with it. His life is very busy and full with the kids, so it's quite possible he is 'over' me. I'm sure he still loves me but he is doing the right thing by his kids and I respect that. I couldn't bear to be part of the cause of their hurt.
The scary thing is I don't see how I can find peace and closure on this. I spent 10 years obsessing over another man whom I never even had a real relationship with. I just had a very strong attraction to him. There is no hope for me, because with MM the love was real and mutual. It's just so desperately sad that three people aren't happy because of this situation. Originally it was only two unhappy people stuck in a sexless marriage, now I've been affected because they didn't bother to get counselling and fix the problems before he met and pursued me. That makes me angry. If you are married you have to work at it otherwise you'll have bigger problems in the future which will affect others too. He's ruined my chance of happiness with another. If I had never met him I could have fallen in love with someone else, maybe not as deeply but I wouldn't have had him to compare it to. How can anyone else measure up? It's a terminal affliction. I think the only way I can heal is by loving myself more than him. I don't love myself very much, hence I allow myself to stay in painful situations. Bloodyminded stubborness. So the question is, do I contact him? It might help me to know how he is feeling. It might make me feel even worse if he doesn't tell me he finds every day a struggle being apart from me though. I suspect he will be all stoic about it. I wonder if he wants to contact me but feels he can't? I need a clue. It's too much of a risk to break the no contact rule though. We might go back to the beginning again after having managed a full year. Maybe the next year gets easier...
Pedro has moved his girlfriend in, which freaked me out a bit when I realised it was actually going to happen last night. This house is the only good thing in my life and I am so mentally fragile I can't deal with a change in dynamics. She will move in in January and is staying at a friend's house for now, then the two of them will look for a flat together. She seems nice now but people always are when you first meet them, on their best behaviour. She is his ex from a long time ago and after he turned 50 he contacted her and went to see her in London. They fell back in love and he asked her to be with him. I am very sceptical and worried. Pedro is a silly romantic and lives in a dreamworld and one of his friends told me last night that he didn't like her. Said she was a crazy bitch and that they used to fight. So erm... Let's see!
I am so confused about what to do. Stay or go? My best friend is having a hard time right now and I feel like I should be with her. I think we need each other, but she already found tenants for her flat and leaving Madrid so soon would fuck me up. I need to have a good time here before I go, otherwise I will feel like I failed. I have nowhere to go really. No home. Truth is the only place I want to be is in MM's arms. I am hankering after the impossible. He has a life, a life he has built up over years. He won't ever leave, he's too much of a coward anyway.
Feel better now after that rant.
I can hear the lovebirds having sex. Sharing in your late 30's sucks.
I am grateful for my health, my cooking skills, Himalayan Chai tea, the cat, my best friend, the tiny amount of hope I have that things will get better and I too can be happy and love someone and my dear Diaryland for saving my sanity.
Uff, I think my writing is in very bad form today. Some of those sentences are very badly constructed.
