7:46 p.m. - Saturday, Sept. 17, 2016
A half hug
It's only 19.46 and I cannot wait for night to fall. I must be depressed again. It's so hard to fill the days at the weekend, especially when I feel so lonely. I like the night because l don't feel so ashamed to be alone. My options are limited. The daytime puts pressure on me to do something about my problem, go out, make friends, but I just stay home and clean or walk aimlessly with a heavy heart, tears brimming and a tight throat. The boy came today to take me and my computer to the repair shop in the city. When we got there it was closed, l don't know how businesses stay afloat here, nobody wants to work. So many times I have gone to a place to find it closed when it shouldn't be. I told them l was coming today too. So we went and ate German food then he drove me home. When he kissed me goodbye on both cheeks I went in for a hug, which was a bit awkward, it was more a half hug. I don't want him to go to Beijing but l don't think l will get anymore hugs from him anyway. He left to go home and have a siesta and I asked if he wanted to go to the cinema later and he said maybe after he has been skateboarding with his housemate. I don't think l will see him until Monday at work. I must seem desperate, maybe that is why he has lost interest. Desperation is never attractive. I hate myself for being like this, it's terrible for my self esteem. My ego is hurting, it is a good lesson for me though. This is only the second time I have been rejected like this. I have been lucky. It's painful. I remember again how horrible it feels to be rejected and it is important for me to be reminded, so next time I reject someone l am more sensitive to their feelings. However, l think l have been very concerned about rejecting or finishing with people generally but l haven't dealt with it well. I really don't want to hurt people, so much so, that I make it worse by dragging out the process when it is better to be honest and direct. I have been cowardly in that respect. I would rather the boy just said 'look l don't fancy you anymore!' and l could forget about him and move on. I wouldn't feel unattractive, just realise that he is not for me in any way. As it stands he is a mystery to me and I can't let go without knowing the truth. All l believe in is the truth. The truth will set you free. I sent him a message later asking if I gave him an awkward hug earlier and if so I was sorry. He said he hadn't noticed and that I would have to try harder to create an awkward situation. I said it felt awkward to me and like a half hug but glad he didn't feel it. End of conversation. He really isn't interested in hugs with me is he? The problem is, l cannot bear to be hugged by just anybody. I am very fussy. I only want to be hugged by two people in this world. One is married and in another country and the boy doesn't want to. It's strange that I love being hugged by someone so emotionally cold. I suppose it feels safe and powerful at the same time. He is very cuddly and smells nice. I feel his loneliness too when we hold each other. He won't admit it but he must be lonely sometimes. He is always moving countries, how can he not miss intimacy? Oh well, we can rarely know what is going on with people really.. We all have our baggage and emotional scars. I even dreamt about being in bed with a man last night and being held. That is all that happened, it was lovely. Sometimes I read diaries on here hoping to find one written by my ex so l can know how he is feeling. He knows about this place but l don't think he reads my diary. I don't think he knows l write here anymore. A couple of times I thought l found him but then l check the profile and the older entries and it obviously isn't him. I'm just a romantic fool... One day l will read these entries and think how pathetic l was. Wallowing in my misery. I think l will try and paint tomorrow.
Here's a wise man. Always makes me feel better.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?list=PL-Jf2on9VCZKaz3yfxdGnUnmohHGQ-5lC&v=4Skq3QXtBSU
