4:08 p.m. - Friday, Sept. 16, 2016
Lonely again
The kitten found a home. Quite relieved actually. Poor Render deserves all the love for getting me through the dark times. I'm feeling pretty fucking dark now. Just really lonely. I think it becomes more acute the older you get. It is loneliness combined with panic. Panic that I won't find a cure or be able to deal with this. I can certainly understand how damaging loneliness is. It makes people want to go on random killing sprees ffs. I was reading an article today about how being rejected by people is physically painful and how great hugs are. I almost started crying in the office. I have such a headache from the sadness and the stupid thing is I think I am feeling like this because the boy might get a job in Beijing. I am upset because someone I don't even like very much who doesn't seem to give a shit about me might be leaving. What does that say about how desperate I am for some affection and companionship? I must go to London and see my friends soon. I am sitting at the bus stop writing this waiting for the boy to finish his work. He is going to take a photograph of a tree and I asked for a lift with him as I missed my bus. I have to not look sad in the car. I really need a hug but I can't bear to ask for one. Aaargh. I don't know what to do. Winter will be so so unbearable without hugs and massages... I feel like I am becoming that sad old single woman that nobody wants to be near. I did just spend the afternoon watching Grey Gardens which made me feel weird. I could become Little Edie if I'm not careful. I so desperately want to contact my married ex but I know I can't. I couldn't stand it if I upset him or he was cold towards me but he is the only person I feel strongly connected to apart from my two best friends (or the only people I could call in the middle of the night if I was having a breakdown, car or mental). It would be selfish and irresponsible. I don't even know what I would say or what I want to hear. I just need some reassurance that I am OK. Not going mad. Jesus Christ, one little thing potentially changes in my small world and I flip out. After everything I said about having won this battle. Depression, despair, sadness whatever, is always lurking somewhere in your psyche waiting for an opportunity to jump out and take over. I'm crying so hard I am almost choking. Fuck it. Gonna blow my nose and watch some comedy and be nice to myself. My dear sweet poor lonely self. Discovered a new series to watch today on YouTube, Documentary Now! With Fred Armisen from Portlandia. Each episode is a send up of different famous documentaries. That's how I ended up watching Grey Gardens after watching the send up. Should have continued watching the show. Maybe I wouldn't be crying now.
