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1:36 p.m. - Sunday, Sept. 18, 2016
Torn and sad
The boy had his second interview for the Beijing job this morning. They really want him but they have to get back to him regarding the salary he asked for. He asked for quite a lot, but if they really want him it's not so much. If he goes they want him in a month's time! I am a bit devastated. Ridiculous really, I am in tears over the thought of him going and he probably won't miss me at all. Maybe that is the real reason l am crying. I haven't eaten dinner for two nights now. Lost my appetite. I know deep down if he goes it will be better for me. I will stop waiting for him to throw me some crumbs and be more proactive about organising my weekends. I know he is blocking a potential positive relationship or activity coming into my life. I will adjust and do better. I hope. Afterall l am a survivor. Jus getting tired of surviving. Or is that what we all do? With moments where we feel we're thriving. I am desperate to reach that elusive plateau of contentment and security. My 30's have been a struggle, feels like l have been obsessed with my debts and have barely paid them off. I hope all the hard work and suffering over the last 7 years pays off in my 40's. It has to eventually. I can't keep getting bad luck with jobs. I must remember l have had moments of good fortune too. Just need that one long term job that will allow me to gain valuable experience. Problem is, there seems to be a lot of opportunities out there right now but l want to stay here a bit longer and learn the Spanish. Very torn. If l go elsewhere l will have to readjust again, although it is most likely l would go to an English speaking country. Canada or Australia for example. Or back to London... I can always come back to Spain for long holidays if my eanings increase elsewhere.
Ideally l would do my intermediate Spanish course after work if the timetable allows. That will keep me sane and busy for 3 months and then think about leaving. This time has to be productive, l can't suffer his much for nothing.
...evening update, just received ths text msg from a Yorkshire lass l met at my Spanish class: "Hello lovely! I've had an idea and wondered if you were in. So I'm starting to realise how lax I'm getting living in the city, I'm not exploring it at all as a student or American would. So I've resigned myself to exploring Madrid. Can do it as often as we like and could find some little gems." That's exactly what I need! Isn't the universe great at delivering what you need exactly when you are at your wits end sometimes? Bless her. She's a really sweet girl, a lot younger than me (24) and we have nothing in common (plus she's a practicing catholic), but she's really funny and genuinely nice and a lot older for her age. Perfect for day trips. Phew! I don't feel so desperately sad all of a sudden. If l can have one day of the weekend with company and get out of this house I might just stay sane. Jesus has saved me!

 

 

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