10:17 p.m. - Monday, Aug. 29, 2016
No sex please
I am so confused by the boy at work. We spent Saturday together, went for a pizza and actually had a nice time and managed normal conversation with some laughter and the waitress was amused by our terrible efforts at speaking Spanish and asked us what we were doing here and then asked if we were a couple and the boy said "sort of." Which surprised me, I had no idea we were... but we're not even 'sort of.' Anyway he then changed his mind and said we were workmates. Then we went to sit by his pool and after some time he went to lie down inside and after half an hour I went in and he asked me to rub tiger balm into his sore back and shoulder muscles. Which just made me so horny, his has the most beautiful skin. Golden, hairless and shimmering and silky. He's definitely a stereotype of a gay man's wet dream. I still think maybe he is gay because he is the first man I have ever been intimate with that appears to not be attracted to me. I don't understand. He was attracted to me at some point. Maybe he thinks I am too old and it's grossing him out. Or he thinks I am falling in love with him. Which would be completely impossible. I want to have sex with him because there's no danger of that. He's safe. I'm safe. No chance of real intimacy. I could grow fond of him and I can be very affectionate but it's another level when I am in love. I know, I've been there. He couldn't come close in a million years to giving me those feelings but I am young, single, attractive and so is he. We should just have sex. Surely? So I am rubbing this balm into his achy bits and it's obviously a prelude to sex if he wants to and he pulls his pants down to expose the top of his arse for the balm but he doesn't want to do it and knowing I want to he gets up and says he wants to play GTA. I say I don't want to. He says "there's nothing else to do." It drives me mad! Wtf? Sex is the single most fun thing you can do and so many people don't get to fuck unless they pay for it and he's turning it down. Tragic. So we play pool and argue about the rules and then watch a film instead and as the credits roll he says "I'm gonna drive you home now."
Now I know how it feels to be the guy who fancies the girl he's having a platonic relationship with. It's so frustrating and you feel like they are teasing you. But I don't even fancy him, it's just his body I want and his odd accent is kinda cute. He has a nice smile too but I don't get to see it much.
I know I am wasting my time bothering with him but he's a puzzle I need to solve, plus I don't want a relationship. I just need sex occassionally and he's perfect for that because there is no chance he would fall for me. I know what I am getting into - something that leads nowhere. Perfect for me! It could be so simple and fun if only he wanted it too.
After my holiday I will just ask him directly why we haven't had sex for three months (or more?), off to The Algarve via Seville tomorrow. Get some beach time and meet some friends. Actually going camping for a few days with an old friend whom I didn't speak to for 10 years because of a guy. She slept with my ex when I went backpacking. I was really let down then but I couldn't give a fuck now and we were friends for a reason, we might have a good laugh. I guess the older you get you realise there aren't many people who really get you and we get each other on some level. Both sensitive, pessimistic piscean artists. Miserable fuckers but with a sense of humour. She used to really drain my energy but maybe she's better now. We'll see. It was my idea to meet up which makes me the better person. Obviously, the mature wise old soul that I am. ;)
Speaking of being in love, I dreamt about my ex last night, which alerted me to the fact that I never dream of him which really surprises me. In the dream I bumped into him in a restaurant and he was with his family and we didn't say a word but we both knew to meet somewhere private and cop off. We were just so drawn to each other. What can you do when you feel like a pair of magnets? I remember it all rather well, the affair. Not as well as he does but it struck me that however deeply you felt in the past, once you have stopped feeling it, it's impossible to truly remember how awful it was when it was awful because you can't feel the feelings with the same intensity. I find it easier to remember how happy I was with him though, probably because happiness is something I will always feel when I think about him. Us. Now the pain of separation has subdued. I doubt I will ever feel like that again. In fact I know I won't because there is only one of him and he enhanced me in ways nobody else could. I will possibly meet someone else who enhances me in even more profound ways, maybe I won't feel as comfortable with them, but perhaps that would be a good thing. You have people in your life at different times to learn and experience different things. I could move on, however I can't t guarantee that if I saw him again we wouldn't fall back in love. It feels like it would just be inevitable, because I just can't envisage having some polite, mild relationship with him. We went through so much together in terms of a full spectrum of emotions. We know each other so well. I am curious to know how he is.
