11:22 p.m. - Thursday, Jul. 21, 2016
Bad self image
I am so negative at the moment. I am sick of it. I am also comparing myself to others which is very toxic. At least I am aware of it and I can try and stop those thoughts getting out of hand. I just hate the image of myself that I must be putting out there. People must think I am weird and the most miserable person they ever met with 0 confidence. I look at the bubbly easygoing types at work and wonder if they have ever felt like I do now because I have been that fun chatty person in the past, initiating conversations and other amazing feats of bravery. It's easy to imagine that the personality of an individual that you are witness to at that point in time is set. I think some people must be consistent like that, but me? Not so. I am not comfortable with who I am. That is my dream. To be confident and happy with my lot. I think too much - must do some exercise to hype me up and stop the thoughts!
Positive things about being here are... Sunshine. Cats. Solitude. Time for reflection (and a bonus would be an epiphany, please). Regular income with paid holidays. Learning a language... I may be slow but I know so much compared to a year ago... Getting a fat dose of Karma so feel like I have done my time. Facing my demons/ego. Time to be creative.
Negatives... Job is shite, don't have many friends, not enough sex, feel like I have very limited options for change. Feel stuck. Career is stalling? Or not who knows. Too much time to think.
