7:53 p.m. - Monday, Jul. 18, 2016
Athletes foot misery
I haven't written for ages because I WAS HAPPY. Then I wasn't and here I am. So I am still on the rollercoaster, though last week I was stuck at the top and enjoying the view. I got moved to a new desk with some younger people, so no longer with the Spanish Dads. Unfortunately I have been so sad for so long I feel like I have lost my personality. I just identify myself as a sad person. I used to be so sparky, I hope I still can be in the right situation. I am very sensitive to my surroundings... but moving desks was an improvement and change is good. Today I am confused and frustrated again. Wondering why I am here and worried about this period of time being over and looking back on it and thinking what a huge waste of my life it was and why didn't I just relax and enjoy it more. I know my misery comes from putting so much pressure on myself and that stems from something as banal as Facebook and perceived parental expections. Seeing other people my age doing the things I should be doing. Being in a commmited relationship, establishing their career, having babies etc. God I am such a cliche loser. I wonder if what I am experiencing is broodiness? Maybe the ticking of the biological clock disguises itself as other desires. I know I want some love in my life and a home. Not sure about the baby... but that follows these initial desires which are missing and unlikely to be realised as long as I am here in Spain living in surburbia and working in a business park by a motorway. I refuse to do Tindr or partake in any other contrived method of meeting someone. I believe in fate which means I will never meet anyone. It's shit being a romantic. I could really do with a shag though. In fact, if I was getting that I would probably feel less crazy. A shag and a cuddle. Looks like I might have to ask for one. Yup, I am that desperate. So strange to not feel desired by the person you are on occasion intimate with. It's the first time I have ever doubted my attractiveness. Maybe I am finally getting old. 38 is supposed to be the sexiest year for a woman according to the Daily Mail (and if I start taking that rag seriously then I know I am beyond help). To think that I won't have any sex during this prime time is depressing. I also have athletes foot which is a bugger to get rid of. And no one is gonna want to sleep with that. Fucked off with Scholl actually, their treatment was really expensive and the cream only lasted me two days. Wtf. 4ml tube! Gonna go to the doctor tomorrow. The last time I insisted on home remedies to save money on these overpriced tiny tubes of cream, I doused my foot in vinegar but the vinegar was from some industrial sized container for pickling onions leftover from my sisters boyfriends pickling frenzy he had after his Dad died and it also had chilli in it. Suffice to say it didn't ease the infection and my foot exploded in irritation. Leading to a bad case of cellulitus. Thank God for penicillin. Not gonna risk that again. Though saying all this I have just rubbed my foot with garlic. This is the downside of living in a hot country. Nasty fungus getting into your skin.
