11:15 p.m. - Tuesday, Aug. 16, 2016
Surrender
Fuck it's been a while. Guess what, I have been happy. My athletes foot has only just healed. I don't think it was actually athletes foot. Eczema on the foot, which is itchy as fuck so easy to misdiagnose. I tried another home remedy as I mentioned before - I went for a garlic wrap. Yum. Subsequently gave myself a 'garlic burn' which is a bad chemical burn. However because it pretty much destroyed the top layer of skin it got rid of the itchy part which probaby did have fungus in it. Luckily we have some aloe vera in the yard and that helped soothe the burn. After I shed the skin it was much much better. Thank fuck. It's a nasty business having a persistent rash.
I have a lot of stuff I want to ramble on about but I am tired. I think I got over my recent mental anguish. I spent the weekend of the 18th July at home alone, turning down a weekend of partying with my oldest friend and her Spanish friends at her boyfriend's house in Zaragoza. It was her birthday but I just couldn't face it. I know myself well enough to know if I can socialise and I had this very strong sense of dread about going. I had no energy and when you feel bad about yourself you can't be good company. So I stayed home alone all weekend, three days because we had a bank holiday, and I just wrote, made lists of what I think is wrong with me, what makes me happy/unhappy etc. I really sat with my thoughts and tried to figure them out. Since then I feel myself again, even like a new person. More relaxed and confident. The main thing is I give less of a shit. Especially about what other people think. Depression can be cathartic. I feel like I got it really bad this time but because I have a very easy simple life at the moment I can listen to whats going on in my head. I had to face a lot of unpleasant thoughts and I have dealt with them all alone and feel as if I have gone through hell and come close to insanity at times and it makes me feel like I will not have to go through that again for quite a while. Fingers crossed. You never know when it will sneak up on you but I have a better understanding of it and myself.
Trying to see the positives in all situations as well. I even managed to turn my eczema into a positive thing. I realised it was a sign that I was abusing myself with the bad self talk and temporary bad diet/drinking I had indulged in. So I began to actively love myself and take care of myself. Cut out bread, beer, dairy. Bought vegetable juice and smoked weed every night, relaxed and massaged hemp cream into the skin and the foot started to heal very quickly. I had stopped using the prescription cream so it did get worse before it got better but I read that that was a healing crisis, or withdrawal from the bad cream. I just had to not panic and hope it didn't develop into cellulitus again. I don't think I have loved myself as much as I do right now. Being quite alone in Spain has forced me to be my own best friend because I have no one else to look after me or love me or show me affection. I have to do it myself and it's really quite a wonderful feeling. I wish I hadn't been so hard on myself all these years. I'm not so bad. All the cliches in life are true. If you don't love yourself no one else will. I actually really get it now. Life seems to be clicking into place a little bit. That's because of my change of attitude. That is the key. It's so simple but hard to put into practice. I think I just got to the end of my tether and thought fuck it all. I just want to be happy and enjoy life. The day to day living. A routine, holidays, buying things for myself. Surrendering to my curcumstances instead of fighting them.
I won at the casino again two weekends ago. Only €40. I really should start playing higher stakes. I always win... I am a lucky girl.
