11:09 p.m. - Thursday, Mar. 30, 2017
heart of a 39 year old single woman
I turned 39 a couple of weeks ago. I barely noticed it amongst all the crap that has been going on. It's lingering in the back of my mind though. My last chance to make a success of my life so I am content on my 40th birthday, or have a healthy relationship and get pregnant. I just had a sudden realisation that I do want a child. Only because I think I would make a brilliant Mum and I think I have been subconsciously preparing for motherhood my entire life without really wanting to admit that I would quite like it. My oldest friend is having a girl in September, but strangely that wasn't what made me change my mind. I have been watching a lot of Youtube videos and lectures lately including those of Jordan Peterson. A fantastically intelligent and pragmatic man who is currently fighting the war for free speech in Canada. I really respect him and his ideas, he seems to think kids are a great thing and one should have them and scrap any negative ideology we tell ourselves to justify not having them. That just leads to bitterness, loneliness and nihilism.
After this shitty job and my general dissatisfying career experience over the past 6 years I am beginning to realise life is not about career success. It's not that important. It's about friends and family and I really appreciate the ones I have even more so now after being apart from them and having such a tough miserable time here. Too much work will leave me unfulfilled. Unless I am painting and selling those paintings for ££££.
I will enquire into getting my fertility checked, just so I know how dire my situation is and how soon I need to find a partner. ASAP. Only problem is I am still in love with my ex. I need therapy or something to forget him but I can't afford it. I know I just have to get over him, otherwise my entire future could be childless because of that fling, but unfortunately you can't instruct your heart to do anything.
