1:11 a.m. - Monday, May. 30, 2016
Insomnia
I got up at 2.30pm today. I didn't really get to sleep until 7am. Normally I would be concerned about that but because I am going to Barcelona on Wednesday to be at Primavera Sound it's good practice for staying up all night and sleeping all day. I'm really looking forward to seeing my friends and laughing hard. It's costing me a small fortune, 3 nights in a hotel adds up to 1.5 x my monthly rent. I really don't care anymore. Euros doesn't feel like real money. I can't take it with me, well I can but an International transfer incurs a £30 charge. It's good to splurge occasionally, to quote the film Anamolisa which I watched tonight. I love Charlie Kaufman, his films are so emotionally explorative and satisfying. This one is quite depressing but I wanted more, it ended too soon. I need answers! I See the film as a take on our mundane existence and wanting someone to take us away from that, away from ourselves and we project so much onto someone that we are bound to be let down and when they feel like they are ours we start to see the imperfections and lose interest. Life has become emotionally hollow and most of us are just fucked up and hurt others without meaning to. We want to fall in love and stay in love but it's notoriously tricky to hold onto.
Overall my life has had many magical moments but I wonder if that's because I choose insecurity. Boredom kills you slowly, but it isn't easy to live without stability and I really would love my own home. I know I have to win the lottery for that to happen. I should do it. My friend Juanma told me I should, he thinks I'm lucky because I won £10 the first time I ever did it. I did also win at the casino recently. It's a dangerous road to go down. My sensible side reigns that in. Sometimes I hate that side. I think it holds me back in a negative way.
