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2:43 p.m. - Sunday, Jan. 15, 2017
First post of the NEW YEAR 2017
Feeling a bit mad today, so writing down some thoughts might clear this fug of general anxiety out of my mind.
Got new year out of the way, I was not interested in celebrating it at all. I had very low energy and everyone else seemed to be sleepy too. I was at my Latvian friend's place and we didn't even go out apart from onto the fire escape to watch some fireworks go off over Peckham. I was asleep by 12.30am . General mood was that 2016 was the beginning of a nightmare era and 2017 probably won't be any better. People are terrified of what it will bring. More celebrity deaths and President Trump is a given. We really mourn all those brilliant people that died recently because we don't seem to have anyone to replace them. No one shaping future music or art in a way that can be grasped like it used to be when time felt more linear. Someone said it's the end of history and the brilliant writer Mark Fisher (who sadly took his own life yesterday - read this brilliant piece: http://thequietus.com/articles/13004-mark-fisher-ghosts-of-my-life-extract) said it's the end of the future. I've noticed my own response to this feeling recently. Every morning when I wake up and try to recall who I am, in those confusing first few seconds, I run through a checklist of what happened the previous day to ascertain whether I am happy or sad. Sometimes I wake up in a positive mood and then I remember some reason to be unhappy and wish I could just go back to sleep. It's the emotional equivalent of counting my fingers and toes for missing or extra digits. I fear this will only get worse with the impending Trump administration. When I check the news first thing I am half expecting the announcement of WWIII and therefore I can just stay in bed. I will be hoping for news of more nefarious dealings and possibility of impeachment.
It's exhausting and I could stop reading the news but it's not that easy. It's an amazing era of car crash political expediency we are witnessing and I am sure I will be rubbernecking even though I want to turn away because it makes me feel so nauseas.

On a personal front New Year's Day brought me some great news. My Spanish friend offered me a room going in her flat which is in the best part of Madrid. It's the same rent as here and there is a cat too. I will miss this place but it's time to move on. Especially as Pedro is moving out soon and I can't deal with new tenants. It's the end of an era and it's sad but that's how it goes. Moving is always very emotional for me. I get so emotionally tied up with my dwellings! They really seem to shape me. So this new place will hopefully give me new energy and inspiration and most importantly, a higher level of comfort. Just need to get into that other company I am interested in working for as they are based about a 2 minute walk away! My life would be almost perfect then.

I think I have finally gotten over the married man. I got in touch with him just before Christmas and he was just an insensitive dick. Telling me he's managing fine without me. So much for love. He used me for an ego massage and I realise now that it wasn't love. It could have been if circumstances were different but the way he has handled this shows what a weak coward he is in many ways. So I wasted two and a half years over him. Hardly having any sex. I am an idiot. I am far too loyal to those that don't deserve it.

My oldest friend who lives here in Madrid is having a baby in September so I really want to stick around for another year at least. She had IVF treatment. I was thinking about freezing my eggs but I think it's a bit old to start breeding. Plus I have no money or partner. haha! I just get scared by the enormity of being a Mum. I reckon I would be great at it though. It's the most awful thing to have to think about. A few of my friends are having a similar freakout. Now or never... I wish I knew what I wanted! What I would like to do is buy a motorbike and just tour around different countries. Complete freedom, so I suppose that answers my question. I fear that having a baby forces you to toe the line and live more conventionally. If I had a better sense of where we are headed I would feel better about breeding. I think things will get a lot worse before they get better but I do believe it will get better. Life - you are heavy at times!

 

 

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