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11:36 p.m. - Wednesday, Jul. 11, 2018
We lost the World Cup semi final. No great surprise there. Croatia are a better team, Eastern European see. Tough guys.
The final is on Sunday and I’m going to a fertility clinic open day on Sunday with my mate who is 39. We are attending a ‘fertility for over 40’s’ seminar and I’m hoping to get a free fertility MOT. Would be useful to know the state of my reproductive organs and egg count. Or whatever. Then I can start making some decisions and take action depending on the outcome. It would almost be a relief to be barren. I could just get on with my life without feeling like I should be dating to increase the chance of meeting the father of my child in time, which is so not my style.

Work was less stressful today but hard work. I have got a horrible shot to work on but my new deskmate is a real technical whizz kid and fixed my script in 10 minutes. Exactly what I need. He knows it all!

Went out for a walk with married ex again today. I have a constant grin on my face when I’m with him. I love our banter. Basically without good banter I don’t feel alive. It’s hard to come by these days. Daniel has zero banter. He was just asking me questions interview style on Monday. So boring. He is hot though. If I could be mates with married ex and have sex with Daniel forever I would be pretty satisfied with that. Maybe not forever but it would suit me perfectly. Is that wrong or am I being really progressive?
I think I definitely have fear of commitment!

I still think I might end up with married ex in 20 years time or something.
I’m not in love with him anymore but I could be if he was available.
Fuck, just remembered it’s married ex’s 48th birthday tomorrow. I should buy him a small cake. It’s literally 4 years ago that we fell in love, coz the World Cup was on then. Pretty much fell for each other during repeated lunchtime trips to John Lewis/Waitrose. Bloody hell. A lot has changed for me since then, not for him. But we’re still the same together which is comforting. Mustn’t forget his birthday tomorrow...



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