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5:28 p.m. - Saturday, Jul. 31, 2021
Can we get back to normality soon please? Losing it
A year and a half into this pandemic I am now only just starting to really struggle. I don't know how much of it is due to life having changed so much and being home all the time and how much is due to a midlife crisis. I'm thinking about getting a motorbike for God's sake, though to be fair I've toyed with the idea for years. I'm just so bored and sad all the time. I never used to get bored. Ever. Now I have no motivation to do anything.
Giuseppe left at the end of April or was it May...? Anyway I didn't miss him much luckily, that was due to me being obsessed with my crypto trading which he taught me to do. Without that distraction I would have been sad. I didn't make much money overall and then Bitcoin crashed. I almost cashed out my $5k profit a few days before the drop but got greedy, I had a very strong feeling it would crash but then doubted myself. Big regret there.

So he's in Italy at his nonna's and I decided to take my holiday in Italy because I didn't want to go away on my own. I used to be into solo travel, I guess backpacking is different from a relaxing break. I suggested we go to the Amalfi Coast, even though we aren't really together. We never officially broke up but it just came to a natural end and as much as there are a lot of things about him that I don't like I knew I could spend a week in his company. I'm just comfortable with him after having such an intense relationship for 2 months. So he picked me up from Naples airport in his Fiat full of homemade cheese and wine and veggies from his Nonna's land. We drove to Tramonti and stopped off for our first roadside granizo, the sweetest, lemoniest, coldest icy treat for only €1. He'd put on weight from all the food his nonna constantly feeds him.

Tramonti was beautiful and very rural. All windy roads and mountains and very green. The accommodation wasn't that nice. Dog hair on the sofa and catholic pictures on the walls but really cheap. I got 7 nights for €280. We drove down to Amalfi that evening and I was just amazed by it. The whole coast is incredible. Giuseppe is an amazing driver and it was worth paying for his holiday to have him give me such a wonderful experience. I knew he had no money when I booked it but it still worked out cheaper to pay for his half than renting a car. And of course he can speak Italian, so that was great. I felt less like a tourist and had a very relaxing trip. Apart from the last few days when we hiked the Path of the Gods along the clifftops of the Amalfi Coast. It was stunning. Really it is one of the most beautiful places I have ever been. I felt like I was in a dream. Then we had to walk down 1700 steps to Positano and this was the day before we went to Naples which is really hilly too. We walked everywhere, coz we love walking. But we were so destroyed we didn't do anything touristy in Naples. Naples is a CRAZY place. It's so hectic and poor in some areas. It reminded me Havana. I had no idea it was so raw and filthy. Quite a culture shock for somewhere that is only a 2.5 hour flight away.

So I've been back for a week and I have post holiday blues. I'm now missing Giuseppe which is irrational. I know he's not a good person for me. I convinced myself he's a narcissist whilst on holiday. At times he treated me with contempt, or at least it felt that way. He never says please or thank you or sorry. I thanked him multiple times for driving me around and he couldn't bring himself to thank me for the holiday. I often thought it would have been so nice to be there with someone I actually liked... but at least I was there.

So the main reason I wanted to write today after months of nothing is because I'm suffering. I know something is missing in my life and I am trying to solve that. I feel lost and adrift. I miss Giuseppe now and it infuriates me because I know it's not HIM I miss but just having someone around. It's not good for me or anyone's mental health to be alone so much. I am feeling very daunted by the fact I will be working from home until December and unlikely to get back to the UK before then. I think having Giuseppe living here made me realise I like living with someone. I love having someone to come home to (the rare times I go out) and someone to go for a walk with or watch a film with. I'm lonely and I am losing hope that things will change. I have so much love to give and I'm so sad I have no one special. So I'm clinging onto the remains of this terrible relationship with Giuseppe because I have nothing else. Even the odd Instagram message is better then nothing. At times during the holiday I told myself I had to pretty much try and cut him out of my life because he's not good for me, but now I wish he was here. I'm so lonely I'd rather have an arsehole living with me than have to cope alone. I know that if he did come back I would regret it though. I'm confused and scared that I am slowly going mad. I don't feel myself anymore. That's what this pandemic has done to me. It's diminished me. I thought I liked living alone, I think it's fine if you can go out and mix with people everyday and have relationships at work and have a sense of self through those interactions. But being in my flat 24/7 is hard. Having Giuseppe come into my life so suddenly and intensely has probably made me feel a bit co dependent on him. It's fucked up and it's disturbing to me that I could have a relationship with someone so wrong for me! He's a moron really... but I miss him. So I know I'm not well. I think I have a low opinion of myself, some self hatred and maybe being with Giuseppe made me feel like at least I'm not as bad as him. Or I don't deserve any better. How did I get here? Why can't I have a good relationship like other people seem to? I must be deficient in something. Do I need therapy? I think I should stop drinking, I got drunk last Sunday with my friend Emily and felt really low for the next couple of days. I drank last night too and went to karaoke. I feel crappy today. It's days like these I just want someone around. I don't wanna go out and see anyone but I want some company. I'm pretty low energy now... So I have to change things in my life. Where do I start? I just want to sleep all the time, that's not just depression, it's the heat. I need to buy an AC unit. I need more nature, I need to move? Where? I miss the UK, I'm not creating anything but it's too hard to start. I'm too hard on myself I know that... I have to be kind to myself and allow myself to just veg out in front of Netflix sometimes. I like having someone around to do nothing with, I feel less guilty about 'wasting my time.'

Everyone is so sad right now. My friends are struggling too and it's hard to gee each other up. The energy levels are just so low. I've got to keep going. Something will shift. It always does. When I start getting an income again I can do my flat up and that will cheer me up. Small steps to recovery... The truth is I want someone in my life to love but I know that's not the answer. I need to work on myself and come to terms with being alone. Learn to be happy alone. Apparently... but this philosophy is easy to live by when you have a normal life going to work and having a social life. In these times I just feel like giving in to my weakness of wanting someone else to ease the pain. I have a huge hole that needs filling and I have to figure out how to fill it without anyone else. Otherwise I will continue to attract the wrong people who ultimately do more damage to my self esteem. I wonder how much of this feeling is down to the fact I'm now 43 and don't have a family. I don't want a kid, but just someone close to me that I can call family, a life partner, a cat... At my age I feel like it's becoming less likely to happen. Or maybe it's more likely as I become more aware of who I am and what I need from a relationship and I am more ready to settle down. I need to date older men. I need mental stimulation, laughter. Kindness... respect.
Christ what a ramble. Forgive me for the stream of consciousness. It helps just write down the madness I feel inside. I should start meditating.



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