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1:32 p.m. - 2003-12-13
Familiarity breeds contempt
I'm freaking out. I am so stupid! What was I thinking?????

Last night James and I went along to the Be B*op club to see some live music. He has been getting on my nerves lately but I tried to remain patient. Earlier we'd been to a BBQ at a new pizza restaurant and met loads of people. I met a pretty cute guy called Tobias from San Francisco, he's an artist too. At Be Bop we sat with him and his friends. I was sitting between Tobias and James. Tobias and I got on well, but James kept putting his arm around me, which was really annoying. However, when Tobias left he said we should meet up to talk about art some more (uh, yeah whatever... I can only bullshit for so long). Which I thought was pretty hopeful. Then Will (an English guy who lives here) asked us to come nextdoor to the M*onkey M*agic bar. I was keen to hang out with him because he is a hilarious guy, so I headed out. James was following but saw someone he knew and hung back for a drink, so basically I lost him for the night :) Me and Will had a table to ourselves at M*onkey M*agic and a few of us wound up at his for a smoke. About an hour later, the other guys left and of course I stayed. It was so nice to have someone other than James to talk to and he just had me in hysterics all night. Very dry sense of humour, like me. So anyway, we ****ed all night and he was really good, I was actually amazed, like "wait a minute, how do you do that? Do you practice tantric sex like Sting?"

In the morning he gave me a lift back to G*olden H*uts and he said everyone round town would be gossiping about us. I was worried we would see James having breakfast.

I feel incredibly guilty and paranoid now, which is ridiculous because I'm a free agent, but James has made me feel like we're a couple and I've never really given him reason to think we are, except I gave him all of my time and I realise now that I'm not meeting as many people as I would without him around. He's suffocating me, I think he is infatuated, I wish I'd read the signs earlier. Just the sound of his voice annoys me now. It's Kris take 2!

So now I really want to hang out with Will and have fun, but I feel tied to James, especially because we're going to Laos together. I really don't want to go with him now. I've created such a mess.

James came and found me after I'd managed to have a shower and I told him that I'd stayed at Wills. I wanted him to guess the obvious, but I don't think he would admit it to himself that I'd slept with someone else.

The funny thing is he told me he was worried about me and that he'd had a dream that I was screaming and that I was being raped. Freakily half of that is the truth. This guy freaks me out. I'm tempted to run away and hide out in the hills, then come back in a few days time. That's how small and claustrophobic this town is

Am I being unreasonable? I don't think so, I just wanna have fun, not a bloody relationship! I mean, the guy is talking about reversing his vasectomy for me! I think I should be scared, quite frankly.

 

 

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