1103373092 - 2003-11-21
Becoming a member of staff
Well, I went to this place this morning, 75 Campbell Street. I had a bit of trouble finding it. It was an inconspicuous place, but I felt really self-conscious going in there, as if anyone who saw me would know what I was up to.
Inside it was a really posh place with nice rugs and goldfish on the table. The girl I had spoken to on the phone was friendly and put me at ease. She showed me the projects they were working on. One was called �I Shot Myself�. The girls are given a digital camera and take pictures of themselves. That paid �100, not much, and I couldn�t very well do it at K*risk*indl. Imagine! The other project was nude shots, some on location. One girl was climbing a tree naked and another was playing with a hose. She asked if it would be possible to do a shoot at my hostel. Yeah, right. I can almost picture the nun hanging up her habit and joining in. The pictures were not very explicit and very natural. None of the girls were shaved and some even had underarm hair. I didn�t think they were even sexy. I started to feel very unenthusiastic and doubted that I could do this at all. She asked if I would be happy undressing in front of a video camera and talking whilst doing it. I cringed at the thought and said I wasn�t sure. I had said no to every suggestion. Then I read the terms and conditions. It said that I had to agree to the photos being used for other websites and print media, i.e. for promotion. I decided it wasn�t worth the risk of someone I knew seeing me in a state of undress for �60. I�d have done almost anything for �500 though. Then I read on the last page of the clause that I had to produce my ID again to get paid. She�d accepted my photocopies for now, but I could tell she wasn�t entirely happy with that. So I came to my senses and decided against the whole thing. What was I thinking anyway? It would be nice to have some photos done while I�m still young and perky, but artfully done�
Thurs 12th June �03
I�m still job hunting. I applied for a job in the shop in Sydenham train station, a 10-minute walk away. I won�t get it though, I couldn�t provide any references, or I couldn�t be arsed to think of any at least. I spent the afternoon reading in bed, with the electric blanket on (our room never gets any sunlight), Bliss! I could read a hundred books if I didn�t have to work. Tomorrow I�m going to Newtown to find a job in one of the bars there.
That girl from the agency rang me today whilst I was at the Salvation Army Job shop. She was keen to get me in for a shoot, so I lied about having found a job and that I wouldn�t be able to do it. She was very persistent. I said I didn�t feel it was worth doing for $150 if I was earning. She babbled on about it being a �new experience� for me. She said she would keep pestering me, so I said I�d think about it just to get her off the phone. I hoped she might offer me more money, but she wasn�t that desperate.
Sat 14th June �03
Time is passing so quickly. I still don�t have a clue as to what I�m doing regarding Australia. Last night I went out with Randy. He gets better looking every time I see him. We went to Darling Harbour. We went to Star City Casino, up to the top floor to see the view. I nearly couldn�t get in though, I�d left my passport behind and the bouncers thought I was younger than 21. I talked them round luckily. I�ve never been to a casino before; it wasn�t as glamorous as in the Bond movies. The croupiers have to wear really tragic waistcoats with Eighties style wacky designs on them. It�s a huge complex, with lots of water features and fish tanks everywhere, which are quite impressive.
After our nose, we went to the bottle shop and bought a bottle of Jacob�s Creek, two plastic tumblers and a cigar. We sat by the harbour, which is very pretty and over the top and talked. After we finished the wine, Randy wanted to get a coffee to warm up. I wouldn�t let him go to Starbucks, so we spent the next three hours trying to find an Italian family-run coffee shop. We were unsuccessful in our search. We ended up going into various places such as Karaoke bars and exploring posh hotels to kill time, hoping to find good coffee by accident. We had to give up and go home by midnight and headed towards the station. There was a coffee shop right by it. Quite nice too. Randy had bought a packet of Tim-Tams and sucked his Mocha through one. Nothing happened between us, but we had nothing in common. His ambition was to join the army and he�s a pro-Bush Christian!
This morning I decided to skip Cornflakes and have a lie in instead. I feel quite homesick; I miss my close friends. My loneliness is making me broody too. I�m beginning to accept that maybe that is what I really want � a family. Even though I deny it often to others and myself. It�s only natural I suppose. It would be nice to have a partner too, especially during difficult times like this.
Sun 15th June �03
I�m so bored! It�s a nightmare. Just when I thought I had accepted my situation I�m thinking, "Shit, I have to do something!" I�ve spent all day here due to lack of money. I went for a walk but there is nothing to see around here. It just made me feel worse. At least I�ve finally hit rock bottom, so it can only get better. I must work this week, even to keep me sane. Luke showed me his Lego today. He is making a boat. I got an excellent photo of him, rebuilding it. He�d dropped it on the floor after initial completion. He insisted that I take the photo when he was finished. I convinced him that I was capturing a work in progress. Such good fodder....
Mon 16th June �03
I tried quite hard to find work this morning. I got really angry too. I went to the phone box and called half a dozen agencies. I�d almost secured an interview with one, then the bitch told me to come wearing office attire. I tried to explain that I didn�t have any because I�d been robbed � no money etc, had to get a refund on my smart shoes for cash. But she wasn�t very sympathetic "How do you expect to get an office job if you don�t have smart clothes?" I told her I was having a �shitty time of it lately� and lost my rag. I think my bad attitude must have shown and she finished the call with: "Well, I don�t think we can help you!"
BITCH! Stuck up cow. I hate smug recruitment agency girls. I�m just not cut out to be an office drone. The other agencies weren�t much help either, they fobbed me off with some bullshit-rehearsed line about "not having anything at the moment."
I went to The Sally Army and faffed about in there for a couple of hours and left a message for some guy at a Librarian�s agency. I didn�t expect a reply, but was proved wrong for once. He was really friendly and tried to be helpful, but the work was government records based, so not really relevant. I�m sending my CV anyway. It was just nice to be spoken to like an individual rather than a number. I�m also applying to a Casting agency. I might get some �Extra� work, I�ve got experience; I was in that hit movie SW9, remember that one? I had to stand in a queue for a nightclub smoking a cigarette. I still haven�t seen it.
I feel completely useless, and I know I�ll go through the same experience when I get home. I feel like a freak. I don�t think I�ve ever got a job through my own merit. It�s nearly always a case of nepotism. I could see myself spending the rest of my life on the dole if it wasn�t for New Deal. There simply aren�t enough jobs for everyone.
Last night Alexandra and I watched The Art of War, a film about UN corruption. I think Alex had something to do with the UN. I couldn�t concentrate because of the ad breaks every 10 minutes. It�s almost as bad as the States. Alexandra showed me some printouts from a US website, detailing the governments� plan to take over the world. Spacecom Vision 2020 I think it�s called. The presentation of it is so cheesy; it looks like a spoof. Very scary. She has lots of top secret information, which she says is from the Pentagon under her bed. She knows about everything. I asked her if the US really were the first to land on the moon, because I have never believed it. She says they did, but they also had a contingency plan in case they failed. Including a studio set up to film a �landing�. This plan included killing the actors afterwards. Like in that 70s movie �Capricorn One.�
I�m trying to read the Freud/Jung letters. It�s hard to concentrate; perhaps it�s too intellectual for me. I just finished High Society by Ben Elton, far more accessible; I understood every word and enjoyed it very much! Maybe I should stick to less-challenging books, I fear weed has killed half my brain cells, or maybe I really am the scatterbrained genius I always suspected I was. All the pieces are there but they don�t make sense. A form of abstract intelligence that is no use to anybody. I can see the truth, but that awareness is not very profitable in the everyday world. How can I participate in something that I see as futile?
Unfortunately I don�t have the intelligence to elevate myself above it. I�m in limbo, no wonder I feel alienated. I need to turn my thoughts and ideas into something concrete.
2003-06-21 - 5:15 p.m.
OK, so I still haven't got a 'real' job yet, but John at K*risk*indl gave me some money to help me out, and offered me a job; cleaning for a couple of hours a day, four days a week. In return I get $100 off my rent. Not bad! The bonus is that I don't have to travel to work. I just have to get out of bed by 10am. Which will be easy because that's when breakfast finishes anyway. So that's lucky, I thank God Catholics run the place. The God fearing are so charitable.
I�d transferred some money into my Australian bank account, because I�m still waiting for my replacement cards. That came through so I treated myself to some Tim-Tams (their equivalent of Penguins, but with around 50 varieties of flavour and filling). A popular Ozzie/Nz tradition is to bite off opposite corners of the biscuit and thus create a chocolate straw. This enables you to suck tea or coffee (I prefer to use coffee for this trick) into the Tim-Tam, which melts the chocolate and icing slightly. Then you pop it into your mouth whole and enjoy. I assume that�s why they have a denser constitution than the Penguin, to prevent soggy biscuit falling into your beverage.
Poor Luke got twatted across the face by Quiet John in the TV lounge the other night. Luke was 'singing' along to the John Farnham concert on the telly. I can understand why he got a book in the face (then punched moments later), but it's not fair to hit a bespectacled autistic when he's not expecting it.
Alexandra and I are his only friends at the moment. Though we do hide in our room for most of the evening � occasionally creeping out to get cake. Everyone has been suffering stomachache from the undercooked vegetables at dinner. If it's not the beans it's the broccoli. I'm getting bored of the food now. I'm even craving pasta. We never get that.
Alexandra gave me Lucretius' 'The Nature of the Universe' to read. Lucretius was a Roman who wrote a poem that demonstrated his philosophical and scientific view of the world. It's amazing to think it was written in 50 B.C.
