3:50 p.m. - 2003-12-17
The local bicycle?
I'm so reckless sometimes!
The night after I'd been with Will, I went out to Be B*op again and met his friend Ben from Brixton. He was very good looking but I didn't fancy him and my mind was all over the place and filled with feelings of guilt, confusion and worry. I didn't realise he was chatting me up, but he offered me a lift home. Will was around but he seemed happy to let Ben take me, so I reckon I was getting the brush off. I invited Ben in for 'coffee'. I don't know why, I guess because I could. That old chesnut Curiosity probably. He wasn't all that. I was pretty bored and wondering where Will was. When Ben left I told him to sneak out past the guys we could hear talking. I didn't want Will or James to find out what I'd been up to. God knows what Ben thought of that. No one knows about the other apart from Will knows I was with James.
Will was confronted by James who asked him if he'd slept with me. Will said he looked him right in the eye and told him that he'd wanted to but didn't. So James bought that, he never asked me though.
I set James straight after an awful day of tension. I told him I didn't think it was a good idea to travel to Laos together, that I'm a free agent etc. It's hard avoiding him in such a small town, funny, I rarely bump into people I want to bump into.
I've been feeling very paranoid the last few days. I feel like everyone knows I'm a slag or something. I have no energy to socialise even though I'm desperate to meet new people. It's been quiet here lately. Like a ghost town. I can't imagine how depressing this place is in the rainy season. the dogs would outnumber the residents, I'm sure of it.
I went to 50 S*atang (the original whisky bar) last night to escape James (he was partying with some Ozzie chick down the road). Pong the owner asked "where is your boyfriend". I said he wasn't my boyfriend and Pong felt bad for me, he thought I'd been dumped. He's so sweet, he showed me some card tricks to cheer me up and gave me Buffalo Power whisky for strength. James turned up later, drunk and tried unsuccessfully to roll cigarettes. It was pitiful. I've never seen such poor attempts. What was I doing with this guy? I wish he'd leave Pai.
I woke up this morning with a hangover and felt desperately depressed. I hope things turn around for me. I need something to do.
I have really bad spots too. I need to eat more fruit.
