9:02 p.m. - Sept. 09, 2015
Pouring my heart out in a hotel room
It would be easier if i didn't know you were going through the same pain. If you were over it, had rejected me... But it's only circumstances keeping us apart, or that's what I tell myself. All I want is to be in contact with you but if I am I am narrowing my future options and making it so there is less time available to me in my life to be happy. If I don't pretend you are dead then I am slowly killing my future happy self. I will end up that bitter old woman. Single and lonely, that nobody wants to be near. Desperate for love. I've met people like that and it is scary because you know that could be you one day. This whole experience has brought that version of myself closer. I have lost my youthful hope and carefree attitude. I see an abyss. A lonely dead place in my heart. It hurts, i can't escape it, I can only try my best to conceal it when all I want to do is sob my heart out. I miss your warmth. You were a soft, warm place that I hid in for a while and now you're gone. I can't believe it's forever.
I mustn't put pressure on myself to be happy and be with 'happy, well adjusted' people. They are not my people right now. I need darkness with light. It's time to get to the depths of this and fish around for meaning, insight and inspiration, creativity and hope. In a way it's an adventure, another part of the rollercoaster, only now I'm riding it alone.
