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3:47 p.m. - 2003-06-10
Schopenhaur and Mr Conway
Tues 10th June �03

Having my wallet nicked forced me to take drastic measures in order to make money fast. I had $300 in my hand, but that was only two weeks rent with nothing to spare and I had no idea when I would get my bankcards. So I phoned the number for the modelling that Ben had cut out an ad for. To justify it to myself, I figured I had no choice and I have to admit plain curiosity got the better of me.

I went to my usual phone box and rang the agency. I had to lie about my age because they stated that they wanted girls aged between 18 and 23 years. So I told the girl I was 23. She asked me to bring two forms of ID to the interview. I told her I had a passport but nothing else as I�d had my cards stolen. I shouldn�t have mentioned my passport because obviously it has my D.O.B on it. I booked an interview for 11am the next day and had to forge a photocopy of my passport. I planned to tell them that I�d had to leave the original with the hostel, as I couldn�t pay any rent this week. They have no reason to be suspicious. I don�t think I look 25. On the phone she said that I wouldn�t have to do anything I didn�t feel comfortable with, which was reassuring. I thought, "I probably won�t even go through with it. I�ll see what happens�"

Room 7 is slightly quieter as it is farther from the kitchen and the toilets, so I can barely hear the gross spitting and hacking. I�m sharing with a wonderful woman called Alexandra. She is Spanish-Russian but was born in Germany. She still has a very strong accent even after being in Australia for 16 years. She is about 50 and is a writer and researcher, she�s written a couple of screenplays that are being made into movies. She has boxes and boxes of books under her bed (we are sleeping on old hospital beds, which increases the feeling that I am staying in a mental institution, that and the bars on the window), on politics, philosophy and sociology.

She is staying here because a project of hers was pulled at the last minute leaving her without any income for the next year. She�s really nice, mumsy but young at heart. She�s also an atheist, so I think we�ll get on here. Us non-believers have to stick together! I feel inspired by her already; I�m tempted to do some writing. I would love to write a book, K*risk*indl is the perfect place to do it. No distraction and the sheer boredom would motivate me. I�ve been reading about Schopenhaur�s theories on love. It�s a very cynical view, but makes sense. He believes that the head-over-heels-in-love experience is down to the will-to-live. Your subconscious chooses someone that will increase the chance of producing beautiful, intelligent offspring. Love is nothing but the conscious manifestation of the will-to-life�s discovery of an ideal co-parent. Unfortunately, he also reckons that you can�t have your cake and eat it. Rarely can you have a good parent and a lover for life. They are two contrasting projects. The person who saves our child from having a huge nose is seldom the person who will make us happy over a lifetime:

"Love�casts itself on persons who, apart from the sexual relation, would be hateful, contemptible, and even abhorrent to the lover. But the will of the species is so much more powerful than that of the individual, that the lover shuts his eyes to all the qualities repugnant to him, and binds himself forever to the object of his passion."

Schopenhaur

So it seems that the coming generation is provided for at the expense of the present. How depressing. It seems you have to choose between your own life long happiness and that of the next generation. Unless of course you are very lucky. Or not interested in sex.

Luke, the annoying 18 year old autistic greengrocer, was stressed last night. Someone at his work had threatened to kill him and followed him halfway home. He said he had to duck under a bush and hide. He is really scared. I couldn't help but laugh when he told me. I can fully understnd why someone would feel that way. This bloke is schizoprenic he says, so you never know, he could really flip out if Luke is doing his usual non stop talkingI .

have to say, I've got used to his drivvle and I'm almost quite fond of him! The place wouldn't be the same without him and he is basically a nice person. Ever since I discovered he watches The Bill, and can do quite a good London accent, I'm always asking him to say "Yes Mr Conway" He sounds so camp, it cracks me up every time. I've even got it recorded. Because it tickles me so much every time he sees me he says all these random lines from the show like "Yes Sarge" and "You're nicked!".

 

 

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