9:46 p.m. - Tuesday, Apr. 13, 2021
Over so soon?
So the relationship has inevitably gone sour. I'm not even that upset because I'm not at all surprised. We had a good two month run. Together 24/7 and we got on great 95% of the time but he started to grow distant over the last two weeks. Strangely it was the week after we did MDMA (his first time) and he said he loved me so much and wanted to have a baby again. I didn't really take it seriously. The following days I noticed his phone use was starting to grate on me. I don't know if he was using it more or because I was coming out of the honeymoon period it just bothered me more but I can't stand him scrolling Instagram all the time. I hate social media, it's so fake and stupid most of the time. If he's not on Instagram he's playing Call of Duty. Or he's filming everything for his Instagram stories and I have to stay out of shot or wait for him to finish filming our dinner before I can eat it...
Then he went to his ex girlfriend's last week for a surprise birthday party for her brother, which I was fine with - happy to have some time to myself. Then the next day he got the news that his Grandad had died. I knew he would be devastated because he was so close to him and he would feel guilty for not going to visit and staying here instead. He ended up staying three nights because he was so upset and I was really upset too. I could feel his pain and I couldn't comfort him. Also knowing he was with his ex who was close to the grandfather probably hurt me a bit though I'm not jealous of their relationship. I also knew deep down that this was the end of our relationship. I was crying because of that too. I didn't know what to do with myself so I cleaned the flat which felt good.
He came back on the Saturday and we ate the magic mushrooms I had grown. He's never done them before and I wanted to destroy his huge ego and reconnect with him. It's usually an amazing experience to trip with someone you love but I was falling out of love with him and him me. I had a bad feeling about doing them in that state of mind but knowing he was due to go to Italy soon I thought it might be our last chance. So it didn't go how I'd hoped at all. He didn't trip at all, hardly felt a thing and reverted to playing Call of Duty on his phone. I was in bed when I heard the gunshots coming from his phone in the other room and I said in a loud voice "OH MY GOD!" He heard me and got pissy. We then had our first argument about his excessive phone use and he accused me of being controlling. He just wouldn't listen to me or understand that I felt hurt by feeling secondary to his phone. It wasn't a huge argument luckily, I did cry a bit and then we talked a little bit about boundaries and communicating more and then we moved on and somehow ended up watching old episodes of Blankety Blank on Youtube. He liked Les Dawson but said he told too many jokes. Which I don't get. So yeah that was a weird mushroom experience.
Now it's Tuesday night and we haven't slept together since he got back. He sleeps in the other room to get some space and now he's gone to his ex's again and is staying there tonight. When he told me he wasn't coming back I got mad and told him to stay there. To come and get his stuff from here before he went there. He didn't respond to that. I wanted to make him realise he was losing me but either he's so full of himself he can't conceive being dumped or he doesn't care. I know he's grieving but it doesn't give him the right to treat me like this. I only want him to communicate with me.
So our conversation went like this:
Me:Just stay there
And get your shit
You should come here and get your shit first
Do you understand?
G:Sorry isa I will do that ever you tel me to do.. but I’m not now in Madrid
And I’m sorry that I having a really bad time
me: It's no excuse to treat me like shit
G: I normally never do this
Me:You were already checking out before this
G:I’m not treating you like shit I’m only I’m a bad moment
Me:You won't even look at me
I'm not stupid. I'm making this easy for you.
If you'd rather be in Leganés move back there
G:Is better to talk in person
Me:Yes but you're going to Leganés
To avoid me
G:😣 you don’t understand me I’m this moment... but ok is not your fault
Me:I'm here for you but you're pushing me away
What do you expect me to think
When you're going to your ex
G: I think You are right
Right about what?
This "I'm here for you but you're pushing me away"
I only need to feel I’m with family and you an me have only a month
Me:Two
Fine. I understand. But you don't communicate
And I'm too hurt now
G:I so sorry
I will communicate a lot more
I am just feeling like we're not as compatible as I thought, he's immature and self centred and a Trump supporter and obviously doesn't care about me enough to try and save what we have. I'm feeling so over it and I deserve so much more than this. Maybe he's not over his ex. If they get back together it might be the best outcome for all of us. The fact that she is only 27 makes more sense for them to be together. He needs a younger girl who will put up with his self adoration and immaturity. I don't know why they broke up but I think she initiated it. Anyway when he eventually returns here I will have a good talk with him. I must stay strong and end it. I am missing Cesar now. At least he was normal albeit boring and I could have a proper conversation with him. And the sex was better. I just didn't fall for him... we never had that emotional connection I thought I had with Giuseppe. But it was all an illusion after he love bombed me. Oh well. It was a fun fling. That's what I do best. Flings. God it's so embarrassing that yet again my relationship is over so soon.
