6:46 p.m. - Monday, Mar. 15, 2021
ebb and flow
Giuseppe is still here. He decided not to go to Italy partly because he wants to stay here with me. I was not expecting it and when he said he was staying if I was OK with it then I started to feel differently, I think I was trying to prepare myself for so much pain with him going that the news he was staying left me confused and with a sort of anticlimax. Knowing I had another month with him was good news but at the same time I knew that this would be the real test. Would we be able to stand each other? So the intensity of the infatuation wore off and he noticed and asked me how much less I was into him which was really hard to answer but I said it's normal and the ebb and flow of a relationship. However the following few days I was having intrusive thoughts about how I really felt about him and worrying that I'd made a mistake in my romantic choices yet again. We weren't so connected and he was slightly annoying me because I was helping him make some special effects on his cooking instagram videos which took more time than expected and he kept badgering me about it. I was starting to dislike him actually. So yeah a few things were starting to annoy me, the constant scrolling on Instagram, playing Call of Duty too much and even his voice which I initially found so cute was grating on me a bit. I thought about Cesar and how we would have intelligent conversation and missed that a bit. I don't think Giuseppe and I connect intellectually but actually does that matter? He's not stupid... Anyway I could see that the same thing that always happens in my relationships was happening again, the overanalysing and negative thoughts that then spill over into actions... so of course I googled it and found a few articles about ROCD which is Relationship Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I wish I had heard of this before. It's relationship anxiety and obsessive negative thoughts about whether you really love your partner and you think about breaking up with them even if you do love them. it also sounds quite normal in terms of the honeymoon period being over. The low after the high, the disillusionment, it all stems from fear of course. So I am determined to tackle it and I've been watching some videos on Youtube about it. Seems a lot of people go through this. It reminded me that it's normal to sometimes feel disconnected from your partner and not even like them very much for a while. You fall in and out of love and back in love again with the same person if you stick with one. I love that idea and this weekend things improved - I went to have coffee with a couple of friends and he went out for a walk alone later in the evening and when he got back we got drunk and stoned and we really laughed together hard for the first time in a week or so and felt connected again. He bought me a juicer for my birthday, so lovely, though partly selfishly for him too! Sunday we got up super late and he defrosted my freezer without me asking. So yeah I was all loved up again... Then we went for a walk and had a couple of cocktails at the Mexican bar over the road. I've noticed wherever we go Giuseppe usually gets something extra to try for free. He's very friendly and charming and curious... So we came back after that and drank more and I dunno what happened I suppose I was drunk but I couldn't stop kissing him and we had the most intense connection, our kissing was really good on the first date but I had then got self conscious about it and felt like we weren't mirroring each other so well anymore. This was incredible kissing, for what seemed like hours. The sex was really nice and for the first time I felt like his head was into it and we were making love not just fucking. Like I said, I always felt the least connected to him when we were doing it and I felt closer to him just taking or being affectionate. So I saw another side to us last night. It really felt like I was with a different person.
Considering we are together almost 24/7 it's pretty impressive how well we are getting along. I hope he comes back after Margarita. Saturday night he asked me about babies and I said I was 50/50 about having one. I never take him seriously when he mentions them but he seems to want one, so fuck I dunno. I'm 43 now FFS.
In other news I finished my job and now I'm doing a course to learn some new software over the next two weeks. Annoyingly I ordered a new iMac to do it on and it hasn't arrived. It was supposed to on Saturday. The one time I need Amazon Prime to show up it fails me.
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