9:03 p.m. - Sunday, Oct. 11, 2020
Just fed up now
How do you know when you're going mad? The world has definitely gone mad and it's starting to get to me. Just need to get through each day. Need to figure out some effective coping mechanisms. Maybe I will become a long distance runner to keep out of the house. I love my flat but it's starting to feel like a prison. Too much time to think. I need to stay off social media too.
Had my two friends over last night. I made fish pie. It was OK, though it went a bit dry coz we didn't eat it till 11pm. M ordered coke. I don't normally partake but honestly I'm so bored I did a bit. It just means I can stay up later and socialise longer and drink more. Not very healthy but I do get some relief from the everyday hellscape and the occasional insight or flash of inspiration from being inebriated. I do just feel like crying right now though. I really miss having someone close enough to be emo with and have a cuddle. I wonder if this Spanish guy will contact me this week. I acknowledge I'm bored and desperate.
Uff it really feels like everyone is experiencing extra trauma this week. The novelty of the situation is really wearing thin and I don't think we are dealing with the thought of going into winter in this state very well. Everyone on Twitter sounds so sad and defeated. I should stop reading that. Will it make me feel better to cut out all forms of social media? Maybe it makes me feel more lonely and traumatized. This virus is also a war on mental health and I dunno how to keep my mind from unraveling. I was doing OK, then I hate to admit it - when Spanish guy said he was busy all week I think all hope went out the window. He was my only source of hope and something to focus on. Something new, someone to get to know, now it feels like it's just me again. Going slowly mad. I know I shouldn't pin my hopes on a man it just makes me more vulnerable if it goes wrong.
It's that and not getting a two week project I interviewed for. That was a big dissapointment. It's made me more worried about my finances.
Hopefully this week I'm going to have a day fabric screenprinting with the nice Spanish guy who used to live in London. Will be good to hang out. I can't really afford it but fuck it. Said I would do it now. Then I'll have 20 bags to make which I'll probably never sell. Feeling so despondent about my online shop. It's hard to gee yourself up.
I'm actually looking forward to my friend moving in. She might help me get positive. I hate feeling like this. I don't even have it that bad. I'm one of the lucky ones. Just lonely. That's all. My coccyx still hurts after 5 months. Pissing me off.
