6:59 a.m. - Tuesday, Jul. 14, 2020
Rejected
I woke up at 2am got upset about my relationship with my sister being non existent these days and then started thinking I was a bad person and I shouldn't date because It's not fair on the other person. I'll just hurt them or something. Then I emailed Vinnie and got a horrible email back. He went AWOL on social media and I was worried about him. He accused me of not really caring and just missing the interaction. It was a load of psychobabble really that read like he was projecting onto me. Said that I wanted to change him and that we had an unhealthy relationship and he felt like I was always texting him after I got back home. He was really exaggerating. I was so over it after that month together. It did throw me at first, I thought, maybe when I worry about people and check in on them I'm only doing it for selfish reasons? Then I realized this is way too over the top for it to be anything but his issues. I just said "got anything nice to say about me? Don't worry, you won't hear from me ever again." Seemed fitting that I received that on the night I'm lying awake having feelings of self doubt.
I'm terribly lonely but now I'm really put off dating. You just don't know what nutters you're going to get involved with. I'm far too vulnerable to be doing this. It's make Ng me feel worse. I'm going to delete the apps. I need to sort my life out first. I'm having a mid life crisis FFS. I just finished bawling my eyes out and now I need to get back into the fight. I'm OK. I'm not perfect but I'm trying. I'm lonely but it's better than being with the wrong person.
I went on a second date with Victor. He brought his adorable dog. Had his hair down too, which I didn't like too much. I don't fancy him but he's such a genuine nice guy. I can tell. I'll have to let him know we can be friends only.
It's sad but Tinder is giving me a negative view of humanity. It's not just Tinder it's all of social media. I want to delete a lot of it but I do feel like I need it. It makes me unhappy though.
Today I thought I should learn how to drive.
I am also dreaming of moving somewhere more rural. Not practical but I miss nature and fresh air. The house of a friend is going to be available in my old hood. It's a very basic small house but it's got loads of land for growing veggies. Wood burning stove... It's quite dreamy but would be cold in winter. I need a change but I think I would regret moving there and giving up this place.
Feel like I need to make some big decisions soon.
