8:20 p.m. - Saturday, Apr. 25, 2020
Just a ramble
It's Saturday already. The weeks are flying by. Trump was speaking without thinking again yesterday and musing about whether injecting Covid-19 patients with disinfectant might work...
I'm non stop at the moment. Studying, painting, cooking. I had a massive breakthrough with the Spanish. I bought a book written by a guy I follow on Youtube, he and his wife are brilliant teachers and this book on the past is so well structured and makes sense that suddenly everything just clicked and I get it now. My confidence has really grown and I'm sort of getting obsessed with learning more now. I've even started reading a C1 level novel. A month ago I was at A2/B1. The sentence structures are a bit more 'flowery' but I get the gist. I know what's going on and can pretty much guess the words I don't know. Reading is my favourite method of learning. Because it's the easiest!
I skipped one day of yoga... but it's OK. My frozen shoulder was feeling a bit stiff anyway. I had a really intense day of painting and hated the result. I'm far too influenced by work I like and the whole point of this course for me is to find my style. i've really got to listen to myself more and find that thing that's just me. I used to be able to do it fairly easily. Now it's a struggle. I'm taking it far too seriously - that's why. I've figured out that I prefer working with acrylics and I wanted to use oils because I thought that would make me a better artist, or a more 'serious' artist. My best work is fun, joyful and quick and I should work with that and not against it. It will be interesting to see what my guest mentor says about my latest submission. It's a woman this time and her own work is more graphic. So she might resonate with me better. I really like the work by my usual mentor but I am not him and I mustn't be too influenced. He's found his style and I need to hone in on mine.
I made vegan brownies today with mashed bananas and peanut butter. I couldn't even taste the peanuts. It's really simple:
1 cup of mashed over ripe bananas
1/3 cup of cocoa
1/2 cup of smooth peanut butter (any nut butter will do)
2 tbsp of sugar (it said coconut sugar but wtf is that, I just used brown sugar)
1/2 tsp of baking soda
whizz it all up together and pour it into a 8" x 8" grease proof paper lined tray and pop it in the oven at 175C for half an hour.
It's good, pretty squidgy. I added almonds.
The astrophysicist wants my number so we can chat on whatsapp. No way. I'm far too busy to chat to him regularly and I hate giving my phone number out. It's far too personal.. . you feel obliged to answer all their texts. I can't stand it. Think I will be completely honest with him and tell him that. Lately I just feel like telling people the absolute truth. I just don't give a fuck anymore. I am not going to pretend to be someone I'm not. It's just better that people know who I am and what I really feel and I wish others were also more transparent. The right guy for me would totally get that and i would probably be happy to give him my number too. I avoided going back onto Bumble to check my messages because it's so time consuming. I really don't see how I am ever going to have another relationship when my priorities are so self obsessed. All I care about now is learning and improving my skills. I enrolled in an astronomy course last night too. Just for fun. It's such a fascinating subject that I don't know much about really. It's the only reason I contacted the astrophysicist. Someone to pick brains with.
Sometimes I see videos on Youtube titled "Are you autistic and don't know it?" and I fleetingly think I could be because I tick a few of the boxes (and my Mum said she thought I could be), but they actually piss me off. I hate all this diagnosing of people, ourselves and each other. Putting people into boxes. We're all weird, or normal... we're individuals. I'm sure we're all on this very wide spectrum. I don't think it matters unless it affects your learning abilities and quality of life. I've had a great life so far. I don't care what people think about me, though I am fully aware of what they might think, I'm an introvert, I bite my lip. I'm full of contradictions too so how can I be deemed anything? I'm everything and nothing depending on what day it is. People say they can't figure me out, well I haven't fully figured myself out yet! I'm just not a stereotype. All I can say is that I have a lot of male traits which probably throw people because I am very outwardly feminine. My life would make a lot more sense if I was actually a lesbian. Because I'm 'a feminist' I sort of resent this idea of finding a man. I need a really strong man, that's my problem. Strong but soft on the inside. Or maybe I'm just not that interested in relationships because I see so much failure, disappointment, heartbreak and wasted time in them. I'm also a total romantic and believe one day I will meet my 'soulmate.' See - total contradiction. I don't meet many other women like me, but this Spanish girl who I just started hanging out with before lockdown is very similar to me in this regard - we agreed it would be easier to state we were lesbians so we could be friends with guys without them thinking they could make a romantic move - although she is really active on Tinder which I can't stand to participate in. I hope to have some more in depth discussions with her (one day in Spanish!) about this. We're actually doing a language exchange tomorrow on the phone because she has an interview in English on Monday.
OK I'm going to go and read a novel for a change. In English. It's a new one. A crime novel set in 1970's seedy Soho gay underworld. So far it's very well written and making me nostalgic for London. Oh GOD! I hope life isn't ruined forever. I miss the good ol' days. Oh well, at least I had good days (and nights).
