12:43 a.m. - Monday, Mar. 30, 2020
Crap friends
Two weeks in of a possible 2 month (maybe more) lockdown.
Annoyed with myself for not being productive enough. Getting bored of the memes, keep seeing the same stale ones coming through. Mustn't grumble though, I'm not on the frontline. I'm one of the lucky ones, however what's the point of a diary if you can't express your negative feelings. It's what they're for innit?
So I'm having a 'nobody gives a shit about me moment' which is really self-indulgent and I know it's not true but sometimes I just feel so disappointed with some of my friends. I wonder how good a friend they are. Then I remember we're all shit friends sometimes. Though some are more consistent in their selfishness. Those ones I can live without. I think people are just inherently disappointing. The common scenario is mates who hook up with someone then it's like you don't exist. Even if you've been friends for 20 years. You only hear from them when there are problems in the relationship and you're their free therapist on the end of the phone.
I'm pretty self aware of my behaviour and pride myself on giving my friends a lot of my time and think about how they are and check up on them, especially the single ones. I'm nearly always single and like the fact that I can concentrate on my friendships. I value them more than my romantic relationships but lately I feel like a bit of a mug and like I have done myself a disservice and given too much to people who don't deserve it. It's quite shameful to realise so late in life. I want to make better relationships with the right people not users. Not much chance of that right now.
However, I'm just feeling sorry for myself which I hate to do. I've got some brilliant friends scattered around. That's the other shitty aspect. As we get older no one lives near their friends. It was all internet based before lockdown.
Also my sister never calls me. Disappointing. I'm all alone here.
Just be nice to have someone special to talk to but I'm used to being single which makes this lockdown easier. It's the other side of this that scares me. What will life be like? Will I be able to date within the next year?
But fuck it, rather be alone right now than with some annoying horny bloke. People are ok in small doses but 24/7... No thankyou!
Ok truth be told I'm pissed off that my mate locked me out of her Netflix account by changing her password coz I was watching The Tiger King series and she couldn't use it. I bloody let her use my account for months last year, I could never get in but I just let her carry on coz I'm selfless like that. Or I'm just a mug. Basically paid for her Netflix for nothing. Anyway she seems to think it's hilarious that I'm pissed off. It's sort of funny but I'm still annoyed. Never giving her any weed ever again. Honestly some people! This lockdown seems to be driving people apart I think. Emotions running high.
