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4:43 p.m. - Saturday, Feb. 08, 2020
Endurance
The san pedro trip was very mild. It tasted so disgusting that I could barely sip it let alone chug it down. 45 minutes after consumption I threw up which may have lessened the effect. I was in this annoying limbo of being a bit fucked but not having gone anywhere. I wanted a perception altering trip but instead I just felt irritable because I had period cramps and I was hungry and tired. It made me act ‘sassy’ which Vinnie liked. I think my behaviour is compromised because we HAVE to get along and so I’m probably not really being myself to keep a good equilibrium. There are moments where I think what the hell am I doing here and get even scared about the rest of the time I have left and how it will unfold. I’ve gone off sex too. I’m not fancying Vinny now. He’s a funny character himself but he keeps acting out these stupid campy personas (he says it’s valley girl impressions) and it’s not really doing it for me with his moustache he’s grown. God I really do pick em. However he is very easy company. Considering we are together all the time. If we had more normal circumstances and we weren’t joined at the hip it might be better. The reason I haven’t been out alone is because he’s only just sorted keys out, I’m hesitant to go out without phone data and he’s not really working. He works for his Dad but doesn’t have to go into the office downstairs. So we can just hang out every day. I don’t think I’ll be able to make sense of this relationship until I leave. I guess we’ll just be friends. Which makes sense and is practical. The time difference is very difficult to bridge when I’m in Madrid. I am sure I’ve realised a few things about myself being holed up here. I want to spend more time on my relationships with my friends and family, Vinnie is pretty close to his family. I need to be independent and I feel more myself when alone and single. I need routine, I like being busy and having a routine. I need to exercise... I need to learn how to express myself better. I need to stop drifting and take charge of my life and make decisions more forthrightly. Overall I need to take my life more seriously and the direction its going in. I need to be more assertive, proactive and confident. I’m kinda sick of myself. I need to make things. Paint! Stop wasting time. Aaaargh! Though saying all that it is the Oscars tonight and I think our film might win best animation.
We went to Steppenwolf Theater on Thursday night to see a play which was brilliant. One of the highlights of my trip so far. It was about two people holed up in a motel room getting progressively mad and paranoid. They had a ‘discussion’ about it afterwards which I’ve never experienced before. Some people managed to process what they had just seen fast enough to formulate questions about it. Some people just love to hear the sound of their own voice too.

 

 

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