8:53 p.m. - Saturday, Feb. 01, 2020
Halfway point about to trip
I’ve spent 2 weeks 24/7 with Vinnie and its been surprisingly good. I’ve had a couple of moments where I freaked very slightly about feeling trapped with him in this apartment, but I just embraced it as a weird holiday and to make the most of having nothing much to do. I’m not in love but there’s not many people I can spend more than a few days with.
I have to be honest and say that his height is a bit of an issue for me. He’s only 5’3” that’s 6” shorter than me. We look ridiculous together. I feel like I could be his mum, he looks so young as well. He’s very sweet and patient though and we do have good sex with a lot of kissing. I’m not sure how I really feel. Maybe I am forcing myself to feel more positive feelings because if I was not into it then it would be very awkward and a head fuck. I think it’s hard to feel like I’m in love when we are together all the time. It’s an unusual situation and pretty intense.
I think ultimately the problem is me. I struggle to open my heart and I’m scared of commitment.
I’m currently sitting in Vinnie’s kitchen while he works boiling up some san pedro juice which we are going to drink later and trip. It’s supposed to be a very healing medicine and I have a lot of issues I need to work with. I’m a little apprehensive as I always am before tripping but it’s much more gentle than DMT or mushrooms so I’ll be fine. It lasts up to 16 hours though.
Today is the first day that Britain is out of the EU. The voxpops of the brexiters celebrating last night were utterly depressing. The BBC finally showing these people on the news and asking them why they wanted to leave and honestly they didn’t have a clue and a lot of them outrightly said that they voted out because of immigration. Makes me sick. I don’t know where home is now.
Chicago is growing on me but America is weird. I’m just very unsure of my future but I suppose you can’t plan too much anyway.
