12:13 a.m. - Tuesday, May. 07, 2019
Adoption
I know I must be a bit insane. I simultaneously want Vinnie to move here but also know it would be difficult and disruptive emotionally. He has pretty heavy depression which he takes ‘anti suicide pills’ for. I just felt comfortable with him, I suppose I have always felt an affinity for the mentally unstable. Makes me feel more sane in comparison maybe. Anyway, I got excited because he told me his Grandmother is Irish and he only just realised that entitles him to an Irish passport. He wouldn’t have to figure out how to get a visa for Spain. However, for the past few days we’ve been talking and he said the thought of moving is too stressful and depressing and he doesn’t think it will solve his issues. He’s just going to stay there in Chicago and change his perception instead. It’s all just perception he says. So now I feel a bit deflated. Though I know that I was just using him as a distraction.
I will have to change my perception too.
Tonight I had a revelation. I was in the bathroom taking off my makeup and had all these thoughts spinning through my mind. Something my sister had said on the phone the previous night about how she doesn’t understand how people keep doing the same things they did in their youth, i.e. clubbing. That’s me. Don’t think she was consciously directing it at me but it got me thinking. I disagree with her, I think it’s perfectly fine to still enjoy going out but at the same time it’s good to change things up.
Then I was thinking about the state of the planet and having kids now seems a little bit insane and I thought of my friend’s kid and wondered why my friend wanted a child. Did she consider what the future would be like for her daughter? A few years ago she said she didn’t believe in climate change. I was quite shocked but it was a bit embarrassing when another friend emphatically disagreed with her. She didn’t argue her point and I think maybe she realised that she didn’t know what she was talking about. So she maybe didn’t worry about it. She’s quite conventional and a high achiever. Seems to approach life in a matter of fact way rather really thinking about it, unlike me. I think a lot and don’t do the things. Another thought was about success and what was I working towards? What was the point if I have no one to share it with or pass it onto. Finally I thought about my loneliness and age and fear of growing old alone but that I was almost too old to meet someone and conceive.
So I had the thought of adoption pop up. I think I want to adopt a child (not a dog). I think I always saw myself as a Mother of sorts. I am very nurturing and giving. I think... I like to make people comfortable and at ease and I am patient. I think these last few years have made me stronger and I am pretty organised and grown up. I am a good cook too. Basically I could provide for a child in need. I could skip the pain of childbirth and the sleepless early years. Could I cope with a troubled kid?
Who knows, but it’s something to work towards. Some meaning fir my life.
