10:15 p.m. - Thursday, Apr. 18, 2019
Thinking about the gift of citizenship
I have become such a hermit when I'm not at work. I love my flat so much and it costs me quite a lot to live alone so I may as well make the most of it as I don't know how long i will be here. Going out is sometimes boring and focused on booze and there are so many interesting things to do at home. Read, watch films, read, study, paint, sew, talk to friends online... why would I go out? To meet people IRL, people I could potentially have sex with but then that also invites problems and drama and emotional trauma. And quite possibly STD's... Anyway it's still not warm enough to go out and I am saving money. Still unsure about my future, Brexit is now delayed until Halloween believe it or not. So I am clinging on still. Just got to get my permanent residence which I can get in September 2020. It's frustrating waiting for my life to feel more settled. I have to save all my money in case I can't get any more work after this job finishes which is unlikely but there are no guarantees. Although I have to remember that where there's a will there's a way and I'm not likely to just give up easily and go back to the UK. I should learn to relax a bit and enjoy life. Going to Barcelona in May to see my friend Ben who is travelling there with a really cool band, he's the sound man for the gig. Something to let my hair down at.
I have a couple of days off for Easter which I need. I don't want to waste the time but I didn't do much today. I was tired. I wanted to paint but I have just been studying Spanish which is really important too. I have got a private tutor now. It's €20 per hour but I have already improved after a couple of lessons. I think money is my biggest motivator. I don't want to spend so much and not see any results so I am really focused now. It's starting to click.
Watched a great documentary last night on the Kuchar brothers. They were film makers and George taught at CalArts. He was Vinnie's teacher. What an amazing guy, a real sweetheart and made these hilarious lo-fi underground films which inspired John Waters. Looked like so much fun. Apparently he made over 400 films and Vinnie was in a couple of them. I'm jealous really. My uni was so uninspiring.
I skyped Vinnie on Sunday and we had a conversation in bad Spanish which was in his words "dorky" but it's good practice without the pressure of talking to a native and I did learn a few words from him. He's made enquiries about moving but I don't think Vinnie will come to Spain. He said he would be throwing away so much. Looks like he won't be finding any real independence from his Dad any time soon. Shame really. See, now I want him to come coz he probably won't but if he said he was coming I would get quite worried. Haha. I'm impossible. I would do the Pareja de Hecho with him, which is the civil partnership. Far less formal than marriage and it has to be renewed every 5 years. It's casual. It would give him a temporary visa and allow him to stay the 5 years and then he could get a permanent one like I plan to. It's the easiest way an American can move here. But first you need a student visa or work visa. He says he can't find a suitable school. I don't know why he said that. I doubt he could hack being a teacher, he's probably a bit spoilt actually. Don't know what I saw in him. Uff. Just lonely.
Looking into the process made me realise how hard it is to move to another country and I have taken my EU membership for granted, even with Brexit. I feel like it is the least I can do - to help someone who doesn't have that privilege to move here. It's a great opportunity for him but as much as he wants to move here he fears giving up what he has. He's really trapped actually. I can see why it's hard. To give up security and his own place. That's worth a lot but he will really miss out on a great experience if he stays working for his Dad in Chicago. I don't want to persuade him to come at all because it could really fuck with my life but I also feel compelled to help him, I don't really know why. It would help pay my rent and Ha, something to do I suppose. It's a bit mad too and would make a good story. Especially if it turned into a romance but I don't think that is very likely in the end. Having someone move in and be new to a country and kind of reliant on you is not good grounding for a romance.
I still think I am destined to be with married man one day. I don't miss him but sometimes I have a little cry when I think about our connection and how happy he made me. He's far from perfect, though he told me he has cut down on his drinking a lot recently which is great news. I have this fear of him dying young and not being able to process the grief because I am his secret love and not being able to go to his funeral. It's mad really. I think I have to be with him for our senior years. When I am old. Say in 10 years.. I can see subtle signs of ageing now, skin slightly less tight especially on my arms and I was sure I had IBS, had really bad gas and bloating the last two weeks. Waking up in mild discomfort. Could just be dehydrated. I don't drink enough at work and it's so stuffy and hot in the office some days.
