8:29 p.m. - Friday, Feb. 15, 2019
Sad today
I’m gonna die of loneliness.
I hate Valentine’s Day, it just feels cruel to lonely people. I know it can be great to be single and usually I love it except for those times the all consuming weight of it sneaks up on you. I just want to love someone. I’m good at it. I don’t even need to be loved, just let me love you, whoever you are. I think this fling has opened some feelings up for me. They were buried for a while. I think you don’t realise how lonely you are until you really connect with someone, even if you only spent 48 hours them. Vinnie has mental health issues and makes art and talks about it openly and honestly and I need him in my life. Just to talk to. I haven’t enjoyed talking to someone so much for, well ever... I’m tired and emotional today because I woke up early and was going to skype with him at breakfast but with the 7 hour time difference he said he was falling asleep so I didn’t get to chat. Very disappointed I was. Now I’m getting paranoid that I’m just obsessed with him and he has moved on. It is not healthy to feel like this about a guy I just met. I think I am depressed. Work is dull and the location is depressing. I’m supposed to go out with my friend tonight to a doom metal gig but I feel awful. I hate how my depression disrupts my life like this. The pathetic thing is that if Vinnie texted me I would be so happy. And that makes me feel like a weak woman, hanging on the telephone for a guy. I kick myself for not being a kickass woman but loneliness is an illness I guess. Or a symptom of one.
