11:14 p.m. - Tuesday, Jul. 10, 2018
The past returns
I’m climbing a hypothetical mountain and I’m nearing the top. Work is so hard and I haven’t used my brain this much for years I don’t think. My work has to be finalled tomorrow and it’s looking a bit shit. They didn’t give me enough time to do it. I suppose if I was a really good artist I woukd get it done in a few days but it is only my second week. Takes a while to get into the swing of things. It’s such a bloody tough industry though. Thoug any job that isn’t boring or badly paid is really stressful. It’s what you are paid for. I long to be so good that it’s mostly second nature to me. That would be amazing. Perhaps after my two months at this place it will be. Don’t think I’m so bad I’m going to get sacked.
I saw Daniel last night. He rang me on Saturday night initially too. He asked me if I wanted to meet for a beer after work and funnily enough I did. I wanted to celebrate the Tories imploding spectacularly with three resignations in one day including Boris Johnson and my better more confident day at work. I was really tired and hungry and a bit anxious about work overall and about meeting Daniel. But curiosity got the better of me. I probably shouldn’t have seen him but I feel bettr for it. He explained himself a bit more in regards to our breakup and his feelings and behaviour on holiday. He said he was still in love with his ex girlfriend who he broke up with. Something to do with their famiies and she had to marry a rich guy or something. She is Albanian too. So he reckons he’ll always love her. Also of course we had no future coz of our age gap and his agitated posturing persona on holiday was him being bothered by our relationship and his feelings developing for me knowing it was doomed. I told him I thought he was a psychopath or at least a narcissist and told him he can’t go around hitting people. He doesn’t agree. If they insult his sister then they are asking for it.
At the end of the night after pouring a little of my heart out about wanting a family, we had a kiss. Which felt lovely. I don’t want to be with him but physically I love to be close to him. He smells so good when I kiss him, a similar intoxicating experience to kissing my married ex. Who I went out with at lunchtime today. It was so much fun. We’re still like a couple of stupid teenage boys making stupid jokes together. The friendship side of our relationship doesn’t seem to have changed. We still have the banter, it’s better though because now I don’t have a crazy desire to sleep with him. I do wonder if we will fall into falling into each other again though. I hope not. I’d be the happiest woman alive if I could have married ex’s personality implanted into Daniel’s body though. It’s true that you can’t get all you want from one man...
