9:55 p.m. - Monday, Jun. 25, 2018
Age gap relationship is over
I’m back in London. I got a job here, started a couple of weeks ago. Then one day after arrived I got a job offer for more money at a cool little studio and thus pissed off my current boss. But it’s a good company (award winning!) and pays a lot more than my current position. Oh and my married ex works there... which wasn’t a problem for me because I was shagging a 25 year old but inevitably my summer fling with the hot young guy ended just yesterday. It’s a shame he was so different to my fantasy. I saw him four times in the last two weeks and Thursday night was when I realised we had nothing between us. It just felt so empty and wrong. No connection and I didn’t really enjoy his company at all. He was barely speaking. He was stressed because of some family blood feud back in Albania. Some pretty fucked up shit involving a revenge killing. It’s all too out there for me.
As we were walking to the tube I asked what was up with him and why he was always posturing around me lately. he said he was a bad person with a small black heart and I said “why do you say that? If you’ve got something to say to me just say it.” He took me to a quiet spot and we sat down and I put my arm around him and asked if he was OK and he said “what are we Isabel?” I said “I dunno, we’re just dating. Getting to know each other” He said “In Sardinia I asked you what you thought about the age gap and you said that you thought it was ridiculous and you’re right, it is.”
I said “yeah obviously there’s no future in this.”
He said “there’s no future, no present! But I still like you Isabel.”
Then we went to the pub and he said “ if you were 23 I’d marry you, or I was 40...”
But then he said “if you got pregnant and kept it I would kill myself.” Which sounds like a threat and was quite a horrible thing to hear.
At that point I was quite relieved to be ending things, slightly annoyed that he got to it first though, but knowing myself I would have just kept dragging it on just for the sex and then I would have got attached.
I said to him “well you know we’ll never have sex again...”
He looked dissapointed. Then I said, well maybe Saturday night as I have the house to myself. So we said goodbye had a mini snig and a cuddle and I thought it was all cool between us because we were finally honest with other and the unspoken knowledge that this relationship would end soon was now out.
I felt ok the next day and accidentally left my phone at home so I didn’t check it incessantly. I was hoping to have some message from him when i got home but nothing. I felt lonely and depressed. So I booked a hair appointment for the next day and saw my friend in Brixton on Saturday and spent the while day and evening there until Daniel messaged me saying he was around if I wanted to meet him and talk about everything. So I made my way back to mine to meet him. When he turned up on my doorstep he had blood on his face. At first I thought it was bad acne or something but he’d been scratched. I said “what happened? You’ve got blood on your face!” ”
He said “have I? It’s nothing, I just punched a couple of crackheads down the road.” He was acting like it was no big deal. He didn’t seem bothered at all. Barely any reaction. I managed to get a bit more information out of him and apparently they asked him for a cigarette and when he denied them one they ‘insulted his sister’ and he asked them if they wanted a fight and so he punched them both. Fucking mental.
He was very calm and relaxed and affectionate and we had a spliff and a cuppa and I didn’t really know what to say to him except tell him that when he said he would kill himself it was a really hurtful thing. He explained that he didn’t say it to hurt me or because that’s his feeling but because it’s the truth. His family would disown him for having a child with a 40 year old English woman. APPARENTLY. Well his family sound a bit mental so its likely. Then we had amazing sex obviously and he said we could lie in the next day and I thought maybe we weren’t really breaking up afterall. His behaviour was confusing. But the next morning we had sex again and it was amazing again and then he got up, got dressed and asked me how the sex was, the last sex we’ll ever have... I was a bit stunned. What an arsehole. He said that he’d said it would be the last time on Thursday but I don’t think he explicitly said that. I was a bit pissed though. Then he just seemed so distant and kissed me on the cheek and left. I feel like I’ve been played but also at the same time it’s a perfect way to end it. He said we have to move on. He’s right. I just get sad when anything ends. It’s my age. You start to think so many things you do will be the last time you will ever do them, as if I have a death sentence. I probably won’t ever have sex with a guy 15 years younger than me. I’ll probably never have sex with anyone so hot and gorgeous. I mourn that. It was such good sex. Now I have to delete all his hot photos off my phone. I can’t bring myself too. But I was definitely more into his photos than him. He was a real twat actually. Embarrassing the stupid shit he said sometimes. For someone so smart he just didn’t have any imagination or sense of humour. So after everything that happened, especially showing up at mine having just punched two guys, his black emotionless (but beautiful eyes) I think he might be a psychopath. Although he loves his family so much I don’t know if it’s posssible to be a psychopath and love your family. Because supposedly you can’t love anyone. Maybe he’s a mild psychopath. Or there are different types. I found him strange and intriguing, which is another sign of a psychopath. I hope he hasn’t fucked me up too much. Dating is dangerous. I’m gonna be single for a while and try and enjoy it. I do get so lonely though, especially on Friday nights if I don’t have anyone to hang out with. Because what my soul wants is to go home to a family home. My family. Or at least a partner. I need to love someone. they don’t even need to love me... I need a cat.
So yeah, I gotta be careful now with the married ex. I’m vulnerable and a bit hurt after this fling and I mustn’t allow myself to get close again. Aargh why am I such a disaster at this?
