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12:08 a.m. - Sunday, Apr. 15, 2018
Good Grief
Feeling a bit depressed today and then I got hit by intense feelings of grief. It started in Habitat of all places. I went in there to look at frames and the piped music was a track from the Tricky album Maxinquaye which I think I pretty much fell in love and lost my virginity to with Dan. It’s been 6 months since he died and I think it’s only just sunk in, or perhaps only now I understand what it means to not have him around. I miss him and I miss having him to talk to when I feel depressed. He was good at cheering me up and understanding what I was going through. He was a real genuine deep thoughtful person as well as a pain in the arse. I don’t have anyone so fucking real in my life like that anymore. I wish I had returned his voicemail. I could have looked after him. I wanted to in a way but it just wasn’t possible logistically. I had a fantasy about us being friends forever and eventually living together as oldies. Because we hadn’t found love. I feel so lonely without him. I lost him over two years ago to that crazy bitch though. He wasn’t interested in anything else but that drama. Maybe that’s what made it less of a shock to hear of his passing. I had lost him already. But now it’s so hard to think that he isn’t coming back. I listened to his album all the way through for the first time tonight. I regret not praising him enough when he was alive. Life is just so hectic. It’s hard to realise the precious points at the time. We’re all just so focused on surviving.
Oh and looks like the US, UK and France have started a war. Well, made some airstrikes against Syria. It’s all bollocks. Chemical warfare is the new WMD for 2018. Why would Assad do that now? He doesn’t need to. All a bit fishy. Why does any sane person want war? Well they don’t, that’s the scary thing.

 

 

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