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9:41 p.m. - Wednesday, Mar. 21, 2018
Wwwwaaaawwaaawoooowowwowowwow!
Wwwwaaaawwaaawoooowowwowowwow!

I am back in Madrid after 3 fantastic weeks in my beloved London. I can't believe I come back with a profit! I had such a great time. The job was easy, bit boring because of the language being spoken was Bulgarian, but you can't have it all.
So we had our mega party on Saturday, sharing it with two 30 year old girlfriends. What a great idea. Most of the guests were their friends which I didn't mind. I find it all a bit stressful having lots of different sets of mates together at once. A lot of people came to the pub beforehand but couldn't make it to the arch. My friend Helen came all the way from Essex in the snow bless her.

I was tired and overwhelmed by the time I got to the arch and it took me until 5am to relax annoyingly. Daniel came! He had texted me earlier saying his friends had bailed. I asked if he was still coming and he said yes but didn't I think it would be a bit weird as he doesn't know anyone... anyway bloody hell, he came all the way from the other side of London at 12.30am alone and that made me soooo happy. I kept dragging him around to introduce him to people, I didn't care. I am so proud he is my man... we slow danced together, we fast danced together, we slumped on the sofa together, we smoked too many delicious cigarettes together... then he said he was going at 5am because he was tired. At first I freaked out slightly "Noooo! Don't abandon me!" but I let him go and I stayed on and actually had the best time with my friends after that. I ended up staying at the arch until 2pm the next day. I just couldn't be bothered to go home and then go out again. So I just kept dabbing the MDMA to keep me awake and happy. I was the last woman standing!
The police showed up at 7.30am and we dealt with it with charm, they were cool. Just checking we weren't having an illegal rave as sometimes railway arches get broken into for parties. Apparently no one had complained about the noise incredibly. The looks on their faces when they saw the place... as they walked off Tris heard one of them say "Yeah I dig that." It's quite a spot. I had a really lovely morning sitting on the sofa with Tris chatting. It's been a long time since I did that with him. I haven't done drugs for so long and taking the MDMA was really good for me to open up my heart a bit. Made me realise how much I love my mates. I gotta sort my priorities out and appreciate the people I love more and tell them... I can be quite repressed really.

At 2pm Tris called me an Uber and I went to Brick Lane to meet Daniel. I collected my copy of a new album I wanted to give Daniel because my mate had bought me one for my birthday so I had two. When we arrived at the hotel our room wasn't ready annoyingly. They gave us a beer token, but it's not good enough really. The room wasn't cheap and I was knackered and wanted maximum cuddle time.
So we went to the bar which was full of trendies on their laptops blogging or whatever it is they do.
When we finally got into the room we saw it had a bath and immediately ran one and bathed together. I don't know where the time went but it went fast and when we were in the bar having our free beer I saw my friend who had been at the party walking through. "Oh my God!!!! what are you doing here?!" "Oh I work here! I could have got you a discount darling!"
Haha amazing.

Daniel is so gorgeous but I do struggle with conversation with him. I don't think it's because we have nothing in common, I think it's just a bit awkward because I fancy him so much and like him too... I almost can't believe someone I like so much likes me too. It's never happened to me before. I finally feel like I have met my match, or someone even slightly out of my league. It's wonderfully scary.
Also I think we are quite similar in our temperament. He's a strong silent type. Not that he doesn't talk he just doesn't talk too much at all. It's nice. I don't talk much either so I guess there will be a lot of silences. So far they are pretty comfortable. I just get paranoid that I am boring.

We had sex three times and I cried afterwards the 2nd and 3rd times. I can't remember if that has happened to me before. The sex was that good. But I felt an emotional connection, especially the 3rd time. I feel so safe and comfortable with him. He's very gentle and caring but manly. Damn he is a real quality man. I dunno what is going on, it's like my dreams are finally coming true. Very strange feeling after all these years of bad relationships.

The next morning he left an hour earlier than me. I cried. Happy and sad tears together.

That night I was lying in bed exhausted but happy, looking at the picture he had painted me. yes, an abstract nude painting of me! He gave it to me on Friday night on our date at the Tate. I took him to see the Picasso Exhibition and he gave me a wrapped framed picture and told me to open it at home because he was embarrassed. I was quite nervous that I wouldn't like it but it's pretty good! I love it because he painted it for me and it really is good enough to put on the wall and not hide under my bed.
He said that when I told him I had written a poem for him in response to his poem about me it had made him feel really nice and so he thought that if he painted me a picture I would have the same feeling. How sweet he is.

Anyway, so I am lying there feeling really happy and loved up and for some reason I check his Bumble profile. I had been checking it to see if he was active lately, stupid I know... he had updated 2 new photos onto it! That really threw me. It just made no sense after everything he had done for me. Surely he wasn't still dating? The only explanation was that he was using the app as an ego boost, which I didn't like either. I went to sleep with the intention of asking him wtf? in the morning.

His explanation was that he had updated it in Belgium with the idea of meeting 2 girls with his cousin. They had given up after 2 minutes. I believe him and that's fine. I just don't get that horrible gut feeling I have had with other men with him. I have to trust him, I choose to right now... I am not going to let fear and doubt destroy this.
I told him that I am into him and want to continue getting to know him and he is free to date others but I want to know if that is the case because I will not continue a romantic relationship if he is. He said he is not dating anyone else and "one thing you should know is that I will always be honest with you. I like and respect you and respect my honour too much to do otherwise."

That's good enough for me right now. We're not officially committed to each other but I just want honesty and exclusivity at this stage.

That's where we were at yesterday lunchtime as I was on my way to the airport. It felt like a pivotal moment in our relationship and actually a good thing that could propel it forward. I had told him how I felt about him and that I wanted exclusivity. How he reacted after this was going to tell me a lot.
That evening he sent me a picture of an envelope and asked me to guess what it was. It was a letter to me that he was posting first thing in the morning with the fastest delivery service available. I felt incredibly reassured, this guy is a dream. He does everything right, right on cue... then this morning I checked his Bumble again and it said account deleted. Hallelujah! Can life get any better? That was absolutely the right and respectful thing to do. I should delete mine too...

I am so happy right now. It's insane. I can't stop thinking about how lovely and sexy and beautiful he is. My friend Katy met him on Saturday and was pretty amazed. "OMG, girl he is soooooo attractive!"

As he left on Saturday he came to give me a hug goodbye and as he walked off he glanced back at us over his shoulder with a sly smile. It was the sexiest thing I have seen for all time! Who is this guy?? Shit!!!!! It really is too good to be true.

But fuck, everything is so perfect except.... except that I am 40!!!! why would a 25 year old want me? I know I look 30 max but still, I am 40.


 

 

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