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9:41 p.m. - Wednesday, Mar. 21, 2018 I am back in Madrid after 3 fantastic weeks in my beloved London. I can't believe I come back with a profit! I had such a great time. The job was easy, bit boring because of the language being spoken was Bulgarian, but you can't have it all. I was tired and overwhelmed by the time I got to the arch and it took me until 5am to relax annoyingly. Daniel came! He had texted me earlier saying his friends had bailed. I asked if he was still coming and he said yes but didn't I think it would be a bit weird as he doesn't know anyone... anyway bloody hell, he came all the way from the other side of London at 12.30am alone and that made me soooo happy. I kept dragging him around to introduce him to people, I didn't care. I am so proud he is my man... we slow danced together, we fast danced together, we slumped on the sofa together, we smoked too many delicious cigarettes together... then he said he was going at 5am because he was tired. At first I freaked out slightly "Noooo! Don't abandon me!" but I let him go and I stayed on and actually had the best time with my friends after that. I ended up staying at the arch until 2pm the next day. I just couldn't be bothered to go home and then go out again. So I just kept dabbing the MDMA to keep me awake and happy. I was the last woman standing! At 2pm Tris called me an Uber and I went to Brick Lane to meet Daniel. I collected my copy of a new album I wanted to give Daniel because my mate had bought me one for my birthday so I had two. When we arrived at the hotel our room wasn't ready annoyingly. They gave us a beer token, but it's not good enough really. The room wasn't cheap and I was knackered and wanted maximum cuddle time. Daniel is so gorgeous but I do struggle with conversation with him. I don't think it's because we have nothing in common, I think it's just a bit awkward because I fancy him so much and like him too... I almost can't believe someone I like so much likes me too. It's never happened to me before. I finally feel like I have met my match, or someone even slightly out of my league. It's wonderfully scary. We had sex three times and I cried afterwards the 2nd and 3rd times. I can't remember if that has happened to me before. The sex was that good. But I felt an emotional connection, especially the 3rd time. I feel so safe and comfortable with him. He's very gentle and caring but manly. Damn he is a real quality man. I dunno what is going on, it's like my dreams are finally coming true. Very strange feeling after all these years of bad relationships. The next morning he left an hour earlier than me. I cried. Happy and sad tears together. That night I was lying in bed exhausted but happy, looking at the picture he had painted me. yes, an abstract nude painting of me! He gave it to me on Friday night on our date at the Tate. I took him to see the Picasso Exhibition and he gave me a wrapped framed picture and told me to open it at home because he was embarrassed. I was quite nervous that I wouldn't like it but it's pretty good! I love it because he painted it for me and it really is good enough to put on the wall and not hide under my bed. Anyway, so I am lying there feeling really happy and loved up and for some reason I check his Bumble profile. I had been checking it to see if he was active lately, stupid I know... he had updated 2 new photos onto it! That really threw me. It just made no sense after everything he had done for me. Surely he wasn't still dating? The only explanation was that he was using the app as an ego boost, which I didn't like either. I went to sleep with the intention of asking him wtf? in the morning. His explanation was that he had updated it in Belgium with the idea of meeting 2 girls with his cousin. They had given up after 2 minutes. I believe him and that's fine. I just don't get that horrible gut feeling I have had with other men with him. I have to trust him, I choose to right now... I am not going to let fear and doubt destroy this. That's good enough for me right now. We're not officially committed to each other but I just want honesty and exclusivity at this stage. That's where we were at yesterday lunchtime as I was on my way to the airport. It felt like a pivotal moment in our relationship and actually a good thing that could propel it forward. I had told him how I felt about him and that I wanted exclusivity. How he reacted after this was going to tell me a lot. I am so happy right now. It's insane. I can't stop thinking about how lovely and sexy and beautiful he is. My friend Katy met him on Saturday and was pretty amazed. "OMG, girl he is soooooo attractive!" As he left on Saturday he came to give me a hug goodbye and as he walked off he glanced back at us over his shoulder with a sly smile. It was the sexiest thing I have seen for all time! Who is this guy?? Shit!!!!! It really is too good to be true. But fuck, everything is so perfect except.... except that I am 40!!!! why would a 25 year old want me? I know I look 30 max but still, I am 40.
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