10:29 p.m. - Saturday, Jun. 24, 2017
DTing
Been ages. I joined a dating site and that's been interesting. I had my first date with a guy who couldn't speak English that well so I got to practice my Spanish and we managed to have a fairly decent conversation in both languages about literature, politics and religion. Thought I was going to see him again but he kept sending me anti communist memes and quotes from Ayn Rand which was a bit much. Then I ended up on a date with another Spaniard which lasted two whole days because he doesn't have a job either. His English was very good and he is an interesting guy who has a truck which he converted into a motorhome/spaceship. I stayed there on the first night, which sounds like pretty risky behaviour of mine considering I had just met him and I had no idea where I was. Some industrial area south east of the city... but we hit it off and I trusted him. I had my period which was slightly problematic. I only had one spare tampon as I planned to be going home later that night. I had to have a wee and change my tampon and he said i could wee in the shower. But the truck was parked on a slope and the wee wouldn't go down the plug hole so as I was trying to hose it down and dilute it we were both standing naked with our legs spread trying to sway the entire truck enough to flush the offending asparagus scented urine away. Weirdest moment on a first date ever. Then the next day he drove me to my appointment at the dole office and we were 45 minutes late. He worked some charm and managed to get me seen and translated everything to me. I would be getting my money in 6 weeks time. My hero.
We hung out another night and then he drove me to the airport. I really didn't want to do the mad messaging whilst I was away for 10 days because it's often cause for misunderstandings or exaggerated feelings. However, he talks a lot and we ended up messaging constantly and it seemed to be fine apart from a bit too enthusiastic from his end until he suddenly turned weird on me and accused me of liking arsehole seducers amd that he would lose me to one of those types. I was really thrown, it was upsetting to be accused of something so ridiculous so randomly. But it was based on something I had said about seduction earlier... Alarm bells started ringing... and over the last 7 weeks or so it's been quite rocky and intense with some breakups - already. Lots of misunderstandings and insecurity from his side and I just don't think I can deal with it. I really liked him at first and I saw a lot of potential for a relationship but he got too intense too soon and scared me. I think I am a bit emotionally unavailable and he is quite lonely and needy. Not a good combination.
However, I do think we have a lot to learn from each other and he is quite a complex character. He sees himself as an outsider but it's paired with a lot of pride, he needs to get off his high horse too... he won't give me the time to get to know him slowly, even though he says he really likes me and won't meet anyone else like me and it will take him ages to get over me etc. He wants my full attention and affection now. It's a real shame we are both damaged in ways that make us incompatible because there is a lot we have in common. I need someone who is patient and kind and willing to coax me out of my shell. He is so anti seduction he won't play that game. When I said I liked to be seduced I meant it in mutual seduction type way, which isn't the bad kind of seduction. Is it still seduction even? So I finally finished the relationship last week after he got pissed off when I suggested we take his Mum's dog out for a walk. We had been staying at his Mum's (he lives with her for now) for a few days and I was getting tired and grumpy especially because it was so hot and he was feeling a bit insecure I could tell... so I suggested we take the dog out and get a beer and he said he didn't want to take the dog because I would be paying all my attention to the dog and he would feel like a spare part. That's when I realised this wouldn't work. He even made a point about all the attention I was giving the cat we saw in a sleepy town we visited the day before. I thought "shit this guy is mental." Luckily he suggested he drive me home so he did. In complete silence. Then we parked outside my flat and talked and pretty much broke up without explicity saying so. It was fairly obvious and I confirmed it the next day. Now we are messaging a bit and it doesn't really feel like we have broken up, I still feel like I am going to see him again. He's such a strong personality, I think we just ruined something good and I still think about giving him a third chance or whatever number we are up to. I shouldn't, I will just hurt him and I should know by now that he isn't a good match for me. He challenges me thoug, intellectually and I love it and hate it at the same time. It's keeping me intrigued. He's really smart and into his philosophy. He knows so much more than me and it annoys me! Funny thing is, he broke up with me the second time because of my political views. He was worried I was a 'nazi' because I watch Jordan Peterson videos. He thinks he is far right but hides it well. That certainly made me think and actually I needed a counter voice because he is getting so much adulation it was becoming slightly alarming. It's true what they say, be careful what you wish for... this guy is so many things I wished for but in a very intense way. i like laid back guys who let me speak occassionally! Simple men maybe... I dunno, if I met a simple man I would get bored. Maybe this is what I need. A slighlty fiery relationship in terms of debate. We are good at arguing and we make up very quickly and easily. Well I do... I am great at not holding grudges, because then I have the moral higher ground which means i win!
