5:13 p.m. - Saturday, Mar. 04, 2017
I need love
Feeling lonely today. Miss married ex so badly. I don't think I will ever stop loving him. I am reading a book which is written in his style of writing and humour. It's uncanny, so now I keep dreaming about him. It's left a huge whole in my heart and I really want to love someone again but how can I if it's not him? I don't want to carry this feeling of emptiness with me forever. I feel like I lost myself when we broke up. It's pathetic. I don't know who I am anymore. He tells me he is doing fine without me. Which makes me angry. I know he will always love me but he never had any intention of being true to himself. He loves his kids too much which is to be expected and if he had left them for me, well I would have thought less of him and my inferiority complex couldn't have dealt with him leaving his family for me. So there was no solution. It was up to me to give it all up and move away because I could. I had nothing to lose, I do resent him a bit for using me when he had it all and I had nothing but my hope. Unfortunately that's the way the cookie crumbles. It's not his fault he wasn't mature or responsible enough to think about the damage he could cause to me. I know I have to learn to love being by myself first but we all need someone to express that side of ourselves. I am just feeling tired and emotional because last night I went out to the cinema with my flatmate to see the premiere of a film her ex worked on. I was tired from swimming and thought that would be a nice chilled evening. Just sitting and not talking. Turned into a long messy night of drinking which ended in a fight. One of our lot got punched. No idea why. So I didn't get to bed until 6am which has ruined my Saturday plans. I just want to cuddle in front of a film and eat nice food. Met a guy last night who plans to marry his lesbian girlfriend and start a family. Sounds great, an open relationship with your best friend and no jealousy. Turned out we shared the same views on relationships and he told me he was attracted to me. He was nice but I am not attracted to barely anyone. I know who I want. I am cursed. Something is missing in my life and I need to figure out what it is.
