7:58 p.m. - Monday, Feb. 27, 2017
Feeling flat today
Was listening to some music from 1994 today. They are having a 1994 day on BBC Radio 6 Music this week. It took me right back. I was 16 and life was good and awful at the same time but intense, as it should be. Falling in love losing my virginity, having my heart broken, getting stoned all the time, drinking snakebite and blacks in the local unofficially underage grunge pub. It really was better then and we had no idea how good we had it. The music was great and time felt linear. Now I don't know up from down and my head hurts from all the really really awful unreal crap happening now and even at almost 39 I feel like I know myself even less than I did then. I am so unsure of myself at times. I think it's to do with this awful job. It's so bad for my mental health and it's making me stupid. The people I have to hang out with are just so inane and juvenile. I just can't join in. I feel really out of place there and I miss having an adult conversation. Millennials really are quite insufferable. The place is full of young people and students milling about in the canteen because our company is next to a VFX college. I just find it so shit and boring that I wanna slam my head onto the desk.
I gotta get a studio. I need to feel like I am progressing in my life. Making work will really sort my head out. Otherwise I feel like I am going a bit mad or even worse disappearing. Sometimes I wish I was a bit mad, coz at least I wouldn't be so boring. I read so much now and the shocking thing is I have terrible recall. So what is the point of all this reading? It feels like something is wrong with my brain. I can't learn Spanish either. My progress is moving at a snail's pace. It could be something to do with my emotional state. Anxiety is not conducive to learning.
It feels like something is missing in my life. I think it could be a sense of belonging. Family. I know it sounds stupid but I miss that cat Render so much because we had a relationship of sorts and I haven't had a relationship since I broke up with the married man. I need something or someone to love, not so much to be loved myself. Now I can't express that side of me and I feel empty and brittle. I can't even imagine having a relationship now. I am at such a low ebb and feel so boring and not my old self that I don't see how I could meet anyone. I am not going to attract the right person feeling like this. I have so much recovery to do. I feel so tired all the time and every day I go through the motions of living but I feel dead inside. I have a few friends here but it's not the same as in London. I find London hard work but there's something about it. I just feel myself there, but of course I would. I lived there for 17 years. Moving to a new city at the age of 37 isn't going to be easy. Here it's totally different. A bit out of time. I love London, or at least I used to love it because it was at the forefront of everything. It was genuinely cool and exciting and not necessarily pretentious if you knew which crowd to run with. Madrid just isn't cutting edge and I miss that energy. Still, I am not here forever, it's a great city and I will enjoy it. Spring will change my mood I bet. Or maybe I am just one of those people who is never happy. God, what an awful thought. I need to take a dose of magic mushrooms. In my fantasy life I would come home to married man and have Render. That's all I want. Haha, that's all... er impossible dream! There is some hope for me, that studio I viewed is still available and a girl I have been talking to online is also interested but can only afford it if we find another person. She seems nice and wants to run workshops at the weekend. There is a photographer who is also going to view it and if they are up for sharing then bingo. Hoping that he/she doesn't want it all for themselves. It's a lot of money for one person.
