12:04 a.m. - Monday, Dec. 26, 2016
I made it through Christmas Day!
Jesus Christ! George Michael has died as well. I really liked him, he seemed like a nice laid back guy who loved toking on the green. I met him and his dogs once at my old job in Hampstead. I say 'met him' I sold him a can of Diet Coke. He was only 53, I wonder what happened? Perhaps hard drugs. Fuck.
I have finally realised I don't like Christmas. All these years I have been saying I don't like it but not really meaning it. Because I like the idea of it but when I am experiencing it I am not particularly enjoying it. I am enduring it more each year. It seems like my parents are getting more crochtety, my Mum especially. She always seems to be unsatisfied with everything. An underlying dissapointment and uptightness which puts me on edge. I am pretty laid back and I have noticed it winds some people up. I then feel guilty for being me. A bad daughter. I try to put a brave face on it but I hate being trapped at my parents house for days on end forced to watch crap TV and having to live by their rules and then if I get grumpy there is no attempt to understand why I might feel frustrated. Also, if I say I am going for a walk then Mum will suggest we all go for a walk, but the reason I want to go for a walk is to get some time to myself! Next year I go to Vietnam, or anywhere but home. I have never been that into the idea of a conventional family. I find it claustrophobic and weird actually. I don't relate to my parents but feel bad about that. So we are not very close and I worry about it. I wonder how I am their daughter and I am terrified of turning into my Mother. She was a wonderful mum but now she's bloody annoying and judgemental.
I am so not into family that I am looking into freezing my eggs and considering having a child without a man. I think my problem with relationships is that I have an innate fear of being left, so if I pursue relationships with no possible future (i.e. with married men) then I can't get rejected. If I find a man and he gives me a kid then cheats on me or leaves me I would be devastated and what I know about men is that most of them cheat. Even the ones you wouldn't expect to. Coz they have, implied it, or tried it on with me. I also don't want to be part of a smug, perfect family set up. I am deeply cynical about it. The trap of it. Women having kids as a way of keeping the man around. It bloody works and I don't want a man to be with me just for the kids. So if instead I used a sperm donor and met a man afterwards and he wanted to be with me regardless then I would feel more reassured of his true feelings. Do I think about this shit too deeply? Probably, but it's important shit to get right!
