6:49 p.m. - Wednesday, Dec. 07, 2016
Self sabotage majal
Went to work today. Nobody said anything about Monday's absence. Sat doing nothing until 6pm when I was giving something mind numbingly boring to do by Monday. Just feel like crying. Almost did actually when chatting to my friend online. Just said I need hugs and felt sorry for myself. Then when I get like that I feel disgusted with myself for being so self absorbed and pathetic. Definitely spotting patterns in my mood and behaviour. So I feel really really shit about myself and tonight I am going out for Mexican food with the millionaire. I must be careful with the marguaritas. If I drink too many I will either end up ranting about my crap life and crying on his shoulder or sleeping with him but almost definitely the former. But worst of all tomorrow will be a write off and I won't paint and I will be plunged into further darkness. At least that will put him off once and for all and I won't have to concern myself with the unfortunate position of being courted by a rich bastard. God my life is ridiculous. I just want to go back to London and live with my best mate but it's SOOOOO expensive. Also that would be the easy option and I never choose the easy route. That's why my life is a constant struggle. Problem is I also self sabotage, so I don't get very far in life. Lots of effort and then I trash it. I think I need therapy.
