3:26 p.m. - Monday, Dec. 05, 2016
Low day - bunking off work
Feeling low again today. Was out last night drinking with middle aged Spanish men in a typical Spanish bar (strip lighting, Sport on the TV, tiled walls and tapas) and got quite drunk and felt quite nihilistic about going into work today. Just seemed so ridiculous when we have a public holiday tomorrow. How annoying to have to go to work on a Monday but then have Tuesday off, and we also have Thursday off! I am not being given any work to do anyway so I just stayed in bed this morning feeling hungover. I couldn't even be bothered to tell anyone I wasn't coming in. I have just given up caring. They probably haven't even noticed anyway. It's not the best situation I have been in.
I was very happy to get pissed last night because I didn't really enjoy Saturday night at the club. In typical Spanish style the promoters had sold too many tickets and it was just horribly packed in there and I was getting barged about every 5 seconds. It was a bit aggressive. Either I am getting old or going out isn't very good these days. The Boy seemed to have a good time, he was dancing like a nutter for 4 hours. He wasn't even on drugs. He is very anti drugs as I found out on the drive home. We had an argument about it and he was being very black and white about drugs in general, lumping cannabis in with heroin. I argued that you have to look at each drug individually and most people die from taking too many or bad pills, all of which could be prevented by legalisation and education. He seemed agitated and then he told me that 3 of his friends had died from drug use. I said I didn't know that and he insisted he had told me many times before and accused me of not listening or being able to understand him. I said he was very difficult to understand and he was always contradicting himself so I never knew what to believe. He then said I was always asking so many questions, but I said that was called trying to have a conversation. He was basically behaving like a true psychopath.
So that was a horrible end to a shit night. He dropped me off and I thought we had really fallen out. I woke up feeling lonely again and luckily Pedro's friends came over with mushrooms they had picked in the nearby forest, so I got fed and made a fire and felt much better. Then we went to the typical Spanish bar.
The driver had made me nervous on the way there, so after 5 more beers I really didn't want to get back in the car with him. Luckily my friend JM offered drink cerveza sin alcohol towards the end of the night and drive us back home. I was so happy, it was such a pleasant slow and steady journey, like having my Dad drive. Really like JM, he's such a decent sweet guy. He drinks too much though.
So yeah today I now feel depressed because of the alcohol. But not feeling as bad as I could be because The Boy messaged me last night and although there was no apology (psychopaths don't apologise) he was quite chatty. Then while we were messaging part of his house fell down. A whole layer of masonry fell away from the underside of the upstairs overhang outside his door. If he'd been out there having a cigarette he probably would have been killed. I think it got too wet, it had a big crack in it.
Having one of those "What am I doing here?" days. I don't belong here. It's a strange feeling when you feel really out of place in your environment. I suppose I will keep feeling like this every time I have to move. It's like feeling constantly lost and trying to find your identity. It shouldn't be so connected to your status in life, so maybe this is healthy and character building. I will always be having an adventure. However I think I thrive creatively when I have stability. It's hard to be content.
God, whenever I am sat at the computer the cat gets really annoyed and wants attention. He taps me on the arm in a really cute way and meows at me. I don't know what he wants. To play? Or to just get back into bed so he can sit on top of me?
Too scared to look at my phone in case work have texted me to ask where the hell I am.
