12:54 a.m. - Tuesday, Nov. 22, 2016
Rainy Sunday
Feeling better today because I had a good weekend. I did some painting on Saturday and the Boy came over for dinner but in the end he made pizzas. We actually had a good laugh watching some Bill Bailey clips then and went to the casino at midnight. I wasn't feeling lucky and knew we shouldn't have gone because we lost €90 between us. It was more fun than usual so it didn't really matter. I slept at his house after and we stayed in bed most of the next day watching South Park whilst it rained outside. I love it when it rains here at the weekend because I can stay in bed without feeling like a loser. Much nicer if you have company too. I have no idea why all of a sudden he is resuming the sex. Maybe he's finally realised I ain't bothered about him in that way and he feels safe. The more interesting question is why abstain for so long? It could be he watches too much porn. Or he's depressed. I did ask him why he hadn't had sex for so long and he said he just didn't feel like it and he prefers cuddles or maybe his ex scarred him with boring sex. I couldn't get a straight answer. Whatever, I really appreciated him hanging out with me. He seemed a bit more relaxed then usual.
I was thinking last night about how my lovers are always the opposite of the previous one. This time I have gone from loving someone with whom communication was such a clear effortless channel to someone whom I wouldn't even say I am with and to whom I struggle to think of things to say. We just spend time together barely communicating, stuck in our own thoughts. We don't even feel attraction to each other even though physically we should because we are both in almost perfect shape. It's the most nuetral relationship l ever had. Not attracted but not unattracted. Just somewhere in the middle. Must be because he has a good body but I don't fancy his mind.
I wonder how I will remember this relationship? With fondness for it's strangeness and comforting purpose in my lonely existence? Will I miss him? His weird otherness? His accent, his polite manner occassionally punctuated with blunt honesty? If we broke down the unknown barrier of communication we could possibly have more fun and connection and see other sides of each other. Or, it could just be that we have barely anything in common and circumstances threw us together. I suspect it's the latter. I am thus reminded of my favourite self help quote...
"Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes." —William Gibson
