11:31 p.m. - Friday, Nov. 11, 2016
Sadness strikes again
Sadness and loneliness is a creepin' back into my life. I really need someone to love and spend time with. I would love it if someone wanted to just hang out with me doing nothing in particular. Unfortunately l am so miserable and lacking any positivity who would? I am just in suspended animation. In a numb limbo and wondering why I am here. My life is a bit of a disaster. Personally - because I can't seem to have a healthy relationship with available men and I can't be with the man I want. Professionally - because I am stuck in a position lower than I should be and getting paid peanuts... and mentally - I am just depressed and not creating anything. I am unhappy and bored and I can't even channel it into my art. I really am useless. I miss live music too. Last Saturday I tried to go to a gig to see a band from San Francisco - Wooden Shjips - but I turned up too late and just caught the last song. There was no support band but my Mexican friend had read on Facebook that they were on at 11pm with two support acts. So I was taking my time to get there and we even hung outside the venue for 20 minutes smoking a weak spliff whilst they were playing inside. What a waste. I was so confused coz when we walked in I saw a friend of mine who goes to every gig and he asked me if I had just arrived and told me it was the end of the concert. I was stoned and just couldn't believe it. Then the house lights came on and I felt like we'd been propelled into the future, but just two hours into the future. What a massive fuck up. Madrid keeps giving me unfortunate incidents and fuck ups. It's probably a sign that I shouldn't be here. I don't feel like it's right for me here, partly because I am not with the love of my life but I gotta get real and accept that I never will be. No wonder I am so unhappy. Oh and Leonard Cohen died today. I admit I only know about half a dozen of his songs but I know he was a great and spiritual man who couldn't commit to one woman. Haha. This really has been a stinker of a year. I feel like the good times are over. The good ones are dying off, the world is going backwards socially and politically, the planet is irreversibly damaged by humans and I feel like I have aged 5 years in 12 months and no one desires me anymore. I am dying inside. Scary thing is it just gets worse from now on. Hope is needed. But I have my health. I have my health. Double chins up.
