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2:03 a.m. - Sunday, Sept. 25, 2016
small talk gone midnight is dangerous
Just had the realisation that my diary is just a stream of conscious and not saying very much. I am looking towards a more peaceful state of mind so I can write something beautiful soon, or at least well crafted. Went for a bike ride for the first time in ages today. Felt amazing, l really needed it. It releases so much tension and clears the head. I am going to try out some cycle routes here. There is a ring road for cyclists that goes all the way around Madrid and it takes 3 hours. Will organise some group outings and get social. Will invite the Mexican. He msgd me earlier, asking if I was in Madrid. Told him no, I am home, stoned. He responded jaja and I wanted to ask him if he knew about this cycle route but then we would get into a drunken late night conversation which usually makes me start to feel some romantic tenderness towards them. But it's not really them, I am simply projecting. I don't want to lead him on. He must fancy me to msg me at midnight after his gig. Trouble is I want friendship and if he wants more then I can't relax. I wish I had learnt how to deal with this scenario better. I think that is why I am really attracted to men that aren't available. I am so used to having men fall for me (not to brag, I guess I just make them feel comfortable) and thus creating a situation I have to set straight in case the relationship wanders into some confusing friendship/relationship grey area. Or I am scared I will end up in a long term relationship with the wrong person. I have commitment phobia I really would like to get over. If I am having an affair with a married man or shagging a pyschopath then I don't have to worry about any of that and can have some space with my feelings... Unfortunately none of that is going to make me happy long term. Have been Youtubing some awesome female punk singers/perfrmance artists tonight. Just discovered Nina Hagen. She's a German avant garde punk turned Christian. She is pretty out there in a cabaret way. Also Diamanda Galás, who I need to investigate, she has been described as "capable of the most unnerving vocal terror" and a woman called Anat Ben Davis who has collaborated with Chicks on Speed. I like what she has to say.

 

 

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