7:44 p.m. - Monday, Sept. 19, 2016
Fuck depression
Felt like I was going psychotic on the journey home today. Amazing how up and down l am. What the hell is going on with me? I feel like my soul is being ripped open and all the ugly, weak and stupid character traits I possess are being pulled out of me and displayed for me to see. Maybe it's karma, one huge fuck off lesson, or series of lessons that I need to learn. But the scary thing is it feels like it's too late. I've lived my life wrong up until now through lack of confidence in myself, misplaced rebellion/noncomformity and lack of boundaries and some deep seated need for something but I'm not sure what. I have never had a good healthy long term relationship, never even been on holiday with a guy. In fact the first time I shared a hotel room with a man was on my 38th birthday. I was with the boy and we had a champagne bubble bath but he didn't even know it was my birthday. He was really sweet that night and fucked me really well. I think that was the last time we had proper sex. The last time I can remember anyway. That was in March. I miss it, I mourn for all the no strings attached sex we didn't have and will never have. I suppose I am more aware of the passing of time and forming of memories and the finality of everything now. Nothing lasts and everyone leaves. You don't think like that when you are younger. You think you will keep getting what you want because it comes so easily. One day I will have sex for the last time in my life and I probably won't even know it at the time.
I feel so stuck in my life. This job feels like being imprisoned. It's OK being in prison if you have cellmates but when they find a means of escape (and a well paid one too) and move on you freak the fuck out and question your entire approach to life. No one wants to be left behind. I didn't feel so much like a loser when I had friends who were stuck too, but now... Ach. The boy is the last one. He's not even my friend, I feel pretty hurt and stupid for placing so much weight on that relationship. Even though I felt like we were building trust gradually, it seems after a year I mean nothing to him. Maybe he's a bit autistic, or gay... I mustn't let him get to me. I always felt there was something vital missing from him. He doesn't interact with people in a normal way. I mean he's kind of really stupid but also highly intelligent in a way. I can't believe I let him make me feel so shit about myself. I feel ashamed that at my age, with my life experience I could let some idiot millenial affect me like this. It's another lesson learnt, don't grow fond of psychos. Yes, he could just be a highly functioning sociopath. That is scary but possible.
I am really feeling quite distressed about the state of my life. I wonder if all this suffering is good for me in the long term. Something has to change soon. I can't go on like this. If only I could get that job at the company in the city. Maybe the boy won't go to Beijing, he tends do exaggerate and bullshit massively, but if he stays he will still do my head in. I think I should smoke a spliff tonight. It really can be just the thing to slow my thoughts right down and put things into perspective. Fuck me it's true what they say, the biggest battle will be with yourself (something Little Edie reads in the film Grey Gardens). This just about sums up how I feel. https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/2nf3mb/the_hardest_battle_youll_ever_fight_is_against/
I have never taken anti depressants, l don't like the thought of them. I don't trust them... I don't want to feel flat, unfeeling. But what if most of the successful people take them and just get on with life? What if that is their secret? Maybe that is why I don't fit in, because I should be on medication. What if 80% of the people in my workplace are on anti depressants and that is why I can't relate to them? (no, it's because they are speaking another language) I just don't know. I want to paint and make stuff but it's so hard when I barely have the energy to feed myself.
Something did make me laugh out loud today (a rare occurrence), when I got home the cat ran up to me in hunger induced distress and I went to fill his bowl... only to find someone had filled it with cat litter. Poor thing!
