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12:44 p.m. - Sunday, Sept. 11, 2016
Cookie Mueller died
I am coming to the end of my Cookie Mueller biography. It is so so sad. Describing her sickness with AIDS and all the people around her dying in 80's New York. I think about death a lot. Death and ageing, l hope l can make peace with it. I don't mind ageing if l am not alone. Someone to grow old with is what we all want isn't it? She shared a room with her husband (who also had AIDS) in a medical centre, what a thing. It's so tragically romantic, sounds like they really kept each others spirits up though...

It's a great book and it's taken me far too long to finish, l am slow at everything l do. I have to speed up. Time is running out. I recommend her book 'Walking Through Clear Water in a Pool Painted Black.' She is my favourite writer but tragically she died so young and didn't have much published. This almost breaks my heart.

... I finished the biography this afternoon, l kept crying throughout. After she died l thought how are they going to end this? - there is no happy ending - but it went on to talk about Cookie's granddaughter, born a few years after her death and how the 'little Cooks' took after her in appearance, mannerisms and creativity. Very sweet and poignant and made me start to feel 'broody' again. There is something so amazing and spiritual about parts of the soul of another seemingly being passed down through the DNA. That is what I feel sad about being lost if I never have kids. It just makes sense of death, the continuation of life. I really see the similarities between me and my grandmother in appearance and my grandfather in my sensibilities. I don't know what to do next with my life, and isn't that what people do when they don't know what to do, have a kid? I don't even have a partner or a sperm donor or any money right now but if I decided I wanted one then maybe l could manifest those things. How do you know if you want a kid? I think l will just have to leave it to fate and make the most of my lot whatever happens. I really don't want to be one of those sad women who get upset when they see a baby, I doubt that would be me, l barely notice kids anyway, when l do l just think "you're not a child, you're a potential annoying adult" haha. So l probably shouldn't have kids, although my Mum wasn't particularly interested in children or maternal (she says) but two accidents later (l heard from a family friend l was a coil baby) l think she did a great job. The perfect balance of love and seeming disinterest (i.e. giving us space).
It was hot today but l am fearing winter terribly. Not sure how l will survive knowing how it is after last year. Hopefully it will be short again. I will buy bags of coal and keep the fire going and just read. I am determined to study the Spanish harder too, last night people came over and for the first time l had a good sense of what was being said but with gaps in understanding so l couldn't really follow their stories. It's incredibly frustrating. I want to join in and l know that if l work harder it will come. I want the next year to be a good one, l'm not a beginner anymore, l really should be better and l don't want to embarrass myself. I really am so happy and thankful that l speak the best language in the world as my first language and can enjoy wonderful rich prose in literature. I am a lucky girl. It's important for me that I learn another language though so l can appreciate what others have to go through to learn English.

 

 

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