4:59 p.m. - Friday, Aug. 19, 2016
Content at last
Reading back over some of my previous entries about my feelings of depression are quite startling. It was only very recently I felt like my soul had shrivelled up like Spanish sun dried tomato, but I can barely remember exactly feeling so awful. I know I definitely did. I remember feeling scared... but it seems strange to me now. I feel so different, nothing much about my circumstances has changed but sometimes you only need one or two factors to shift slightly. I suppose I am feeling less isolated, the guys in my aisle have gradually become less awkward with me (the boy is the same, maybe slightly more familiar but I still think he is keeping me at arms length for fear of me falling in love with him. Lol) and I am feeling like part of their gang now. I am not lonely anymore, I am revelling in my solitude and I am enjoying my food again. I have just enough of everything I need. The lesson this move has taught me is to make the best of what you have and I don't need much to be content. No point fighting how life is turning out if it's not what you wanted or expected. We have very little control so to be a control freak is distressing. Just to be alive to be pissed off about your life is a privilege.
It's hugely reassuring to have gone through the feelings I had and bounce back stronger without counselling or pills. I feel like I have gone through a mental battle and won. This could just be another 'high' phase but it feels different. I don't feel so high or unstoppable just more stable and generally more positive and lighter rather than delusionally happy. Perhaps I am finally starting to feel comfortable in my own skin. It's an age thing. Thankfully there are some positives about getting older. I never seem to age though. I look the same as I did 10 years ago. Well, not really but not much older. I wonder when I will start to look 'mature?' I reckon I will suddenly age in the next 2 years. Accelerated ageing to catch up after all those years of stasis. Not looking forward to waking up one morning and seeing that in the mirror. The good thing about being short sighted is you can fool yourself Into thinking you look better than you do. Blurry wrinkles.
