8:43 p.m. - Sunday, Jul. 03, 2016
Wise words
I cooked dinner for the boy last night before we went to see Independence Day 2. I haven't even seen the first one and I am a bit of a film snob when it comes to Hollywood blockbusters but we agreed it would be a good 'turn the brain off and enjoy the VFX' movie. I have to say it looked good but I didn't have a clue what was going on. Too many separate story threads and I was stoned so by the time it swung back to one thread it was like 20 minutes since I'd last seen those characters and I'd forgotten about them.
My housemate' s girlfriend C was also round whilst we ate and she took a shine to the boy. She said he was very wise for a 33 year old. Oh purlease, he says an obvious thing about breaking down your goals into manageable tasks and she thinks he's wise and mature beyond his years. This guy is the biggest bullshitter and acts like a kid. She implied to me that I should like him more. I think she's desperate for me to have a boyfriend because she feels insecure about me living with hers. Fed up with this bullshit from women. I have no interest in my housemate. He's bloody annoying. Lovely but annoying and too old. I wish I lived alone.
The boy did get some great footage of the cat toying with a gecko. His tail came off (the gecko's) and at one point Render had him in his mouth but he wouldn't eat it. Probably too exotic, maybe he suspects poisonous?
My world is very small now, all I seem to do is work, sleep, flop about, write in here and now paint. I never see anyone or go anywhere. I have realised that if I don't focus on the painting and produce some good work then I will feel very dissapointed in myself. It's the key to keeping me sane. Otherwise this whole move here will have been for nothing. I need to save myself. This is the most difficult experience of my life and I need to survive it and come out of it stronger. I'm worried it has caused me lasting damage and I am diminished. I really feel like I have lost myself. Who knew moving abroad to a foreign country was so hard? Not me. I think if I had come here with a partner it would have been so much easier. Someone to validate me and be a mirror to my personality.
Uff, work tomorrow. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Must get back on the yoga.
Calm the fuck down. I realised I nearly always have a problem with work environments, I was the same at college. Find it hard to fit in. I am not a joiner inner. I am good at socialising outside of work when I am happy but something about work makes me freeze up. I feel like I can't be myself. I find it very suffocating. I need to grow up.
I am a bit embarrassed I update so often with mere moaning. I want to look back on this time from a happier place and remember how miserable I was. Basically, this is cheaper than seeing a therapist.
And for Jimbostaxi some pics of my paintings. Shall I give up the crappy day job?
boxofpaint.weebly.com
