11:44 p.m. - Friday, Jul. 01, 2016
Lighter
Dreadful week, got myself into a bit of a state. I just need to be kinder to myself when I feel like this. I make it worse by telling myself off for being down and so I descend into spiral of self hate and hopelessness. It doesn't help seeing other people seemingly living a normal life. It seems like a very distant dream to have stability and support. Somewhere of my own. If I ever get to renovate my own bathroom or kitchen then I know I will have acheived something! I really think I will be renting forever though. I feel like I am on the outside of society looking in and it doesn't feel very nice. It doesn't help scrolling on FB though. I think I am depressed. My sister told me to get help today. It's my circumstances though, they will change soon I hope. One positive way to look at it is that I really am being punished for my immoral actions last year. I am suffering more than I ever have before and it's prolonged. I think it's penance for what I did (affair) and I won't carry the guilt anymore. I've done my time. I have to move on.
I had a siesta today, finally getting it now. It is really hot in the afternoon. Felt better for it. Started painting too. Tomorrow I will eat well and paint, though the boy mentioned spending time at his pool. We had lunch and he asked if I was OK coz he said I had lost weight. We also had a chat on whatsapp tonight. Like old times. I still don't get him but it's good we are talking again. I need someone to talk to, even if he doesn't listen.
Overall at the end of this awful week I feel a bit lighter. Ironically, the worse the state of the UK gets into the more compelled I am to paint. It's a retreat. Like I said before, this has been a long time coming and now I feel like I have seen the ending so I can just leave the cinema early. Get on with my creative life.
By the way, the tattoo pic was fake. I knew it really. She said she was really disappointed that I was one of only two friends who didn't believe it was real. She thinks her friends think she is stupid.
