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7:43 p.m. - Tuesday, Jun. 14, 2016
Shitty day
I hate this world. So much has made me sad today. Reading about the Orlando mass shooting, watching a video of an almost dead dog being rescued from a hot car, reading about how microbeads (found in exfoliates) are polluting the environment. I really hate our species for our stupidity. We're getting more stupid too. I'm already finding everything so overwhelming, together with my personal issues and those of my friends, there ain't much to be joyful about except my good health. Though I am increasingly worried about my mental health. I am up and down one day to the next and I really don't know how I would have got through these past few months without Render the cat here. Coming home to him really is the highlight of my day. Last night my friend came round with her big dog and poor Render wasn't happy. I had to keep going upstairs with him to give him some attention and reassure him he was top dog really. He was so cute, purring so loud and squirming around showing his belly. I am such a Mum with him. God! I am a mad cat lady.
So as I was saying, things are feeling tense now and trouble is brewing with Brexit in the UK looking likely according to the polls and the most widely read newspaper in Britain - The Sun - has declared itself pro Brexit today. Then you've got that git Trump being a tosser and Putin being Putin and the mess in the Middle East and parts of Europe going far right wing and and and... Too many people on this planet!!!
So when shit really hits the fan, even though I have been feeling this increasing tension build over the years I am not prepared to live in the future state of our world. I probably am better prepared than most but emotionally it is going to be very tough. God my parents had it good.

Work was shit today. I went to lunch alone and sat on a bench and ate my wraps which weren't very nice. Smoked a spliff which made me feel more sad. It's like being back at school! It's insane my life right now. It's like I ceased to exist. I don't know what to do. Part of me wants to go back to London but that's not a good idea. I won't be happy there either and I can't risk seeing my ex. All this suffering is for the purpose of getting over it. I wouldn't get another chance like this to get over him again. So I must stick it out here and hope I can find a way to be happier. New job would change everything. Something will change. Something's got to give. I just hope it's not my sanity.

I just need a hug and my usual supplier of hugs is not an option. He hasn't even asked how I am or how my weekend was for ages, when I've been at my lowest ebb. I must look really fucking sad ffs. Where's the humanity? Shit friend. I guess he never really was a friend. Strange coz he's not exactly popular himself. He should be lonely too. Maybe he is a robot..

Tomorrow will be better, I have a Spanish class at lunch and so don't have to feel like a loser on my own. One good thing about this experience at work, I have been reminded of how it feels to be excluded and lonely. In future I will make more effort with socially excluded people. Problem is in my industry all the freelancers feel like the new person, just that everyone is at different stages of newness.

Well I have to cook myself some dinner now, starving. Just want to cry and sleep though. Hope this isn't another episode coming on. Fuck my life. Feel a bit better now though, writing ceases the crying. Thankyou Diaryland.

I have to start making art again too!!!

 

 

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